"Nice, but did you mean it?" (Post #20)

 

"The James" saves the day again. (Jacek Chocolate - if you know, you know. 😋)

Tomorrow is my first appointment at the Cross Cancer Institute. I'll see several nurses for chemo training, try on a few wigs 😉, have blood drawn for various tests, see a pharmacist to learn about side effects and potential drug interactions, and will meet Dr. Smiley, my oncologist. I was never supposed to have an oncologist.  No one should ever need an oncologist, yet here we are! 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm as prepared as one can be for such an event. My zippered binder is almost bursting with the information I've gleaned. (I'll plant a tree to offset the paper, okay? 😬) I've joined a Canadian breast cancer support group on Facebook; I was never supposed to need to do that either. The participants (pink warriors) are wonderful and I've learned so much in the few days I've been a member, such as to bring snacks to my appointment! 😊 (It's fine - I still have Gushers in my purse from my last outing.)

Hubby went back to work today after several weeks of staycation. We were supposed to have gone RVing, and be looking forward to a trip to Europe in the fall. That's now on hold. I miss going to work with him; I loved fighting for the underdog in securing disability insurance, applying for AISH, or fulfilling legal requests on behalf of his patients. (And then, of course, there were wonderful lunch and "mental health" breaks with Brandy, Ken's medical assistant.😁) At one point, I was considering a career in law, so this was a good fit. 

So many situations of "supposed to" and "should have." 🤔 A fulfilled life is never completely predictable (that would be boring) but this detour is more challenging than I could ever have imagined. So far it's stolen my time (I don't remember much of the latter part of May or June, and July was a bit of a gong show), my range of motion in my left arm (due to cording), my voice (though I'm starting to sing a little bit again), and my trust in my own body. (Traitor!) 😕 

I thought I'd share a persistent thought I've had since my initial diagnosis which is, "Nice, but did you mean it?" You see long, long ago, back in March of 2018, I was asked to sing a solo. I love to sing and as a child, I had no problem singing in front of crowds. However, as an adult, I've become aware that my voice is not everyone's cup of tea. That's fine, I'm no Jackie Evancho fan even if her technique is flawless, and I'm long past needing praise to boost my self-esteem. (Hubby assures me that my self-confidence is remarkably robust! 😜) But to sing a solo, without the choir surrounding me was a bit of a stretch for my comfort zone. I practiced and practiced and practiced until my voice begged for mercy and threatened to strike. Oh, and did I mention that the song requested still has the ability to move me to tears? Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard it, let alone sung it without being moved to tears. So the time came to sing and I was feeling pretty okay about things until I came to the last line...then I lost it. The message in the song is so powerful that even an audience couldn't distract me. The lyrics are below:

WHATEVER IT TAKES

There’s a voice calling me from an old rugged tree

And it whispers

“Draw closer to Me

Leave your world far behind

There are new heights to climb

And a new life in Me you will find”

For whatever it takes to draw closer to You, Lord

That’s what I’ll be willing to do

And whatever it takes to be more like You

That’s what I’ll be willing to do

Take my houses and lands,

Take my dreams and my plans.

'Cause I'm placing my whole life in Your hands.

And if you call me someday,

To a land far away,

Lord, I'll go and Your will obey.

I’ll trade sunshine for rain, comfort for pain

That’s what I’ll be willing to do

For whatever it takes for my will to break

That’s what I’ll be willing to do

That’s what I’ll be willing to do

March 2018 - Whatever It Takes  (In case you need a good duct cleaning! (Tear ducts, that is...😁)

Seriously, Heather? "Take my dreams and my plans. 'Cause I'm placing my whole life in Your hands. I’ll trade sunshine for rain, comfort for pain." What were you thinking?!?

I believe that everyone has a mental blueprint for their lives, though I have yet to meet anyone whose life has actually gone as anticipated. I'm no different, it's just that parts of my blueprint have had a cup of coffee spilled over them. So...what I'm thinking now is that even if I can't trust my body, or my Google calendar too far into the future, God hasn't failed me yet. Yes, I meant it and still do. Has He led me differently than anticipated? Quite. 😳 But He's been with me every step, carrying me when my strength gave out.  And so as I prepare psychologically for tomorrow's appointment, (and stuff my face with Jacek chocolate) I know that He will do it again.

A friend shared this song with me recently. As usual, it sums things up so well.

Walking around these walls

I thought by now they'd fall

But You have never failed me yet

Waiting for change to come

Knowing the battle's won

For You have never failed me yet

I know the night won't last

Your word will come to pass

My heart will sing Your praise again

Jesus You're still enough

Keep me within Your love, oh

My heart will sing Your praise again

(Oh, yes, it will)

I've seen You move, You move the mountains

And I believe I'll see You do it again

You made a way, where there was no way

And I believe I'll see You do it again

Your promise still stands

Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness

I'm still in Your hands

This is my confidence

You've never failed me yet

Oh, You've never failed me yet

And I never will forget

You've never failed me yet

And I never will forget