"Shingles? I thought you were redoing your siding?" (Post #56)

Walking across the pedestrian bridge in Capilano Park.

"So how've you been?" 

Hmmm, what to say...🤔 

Do they really want to know, or are they just being polite? 

How much do they want to know?

How much sharing is oversharing?

Do I have the emotional bandwidth to talk about what's been going on? 

Will they think I'm attention-seeking? 

Will they even believe me? I'm having difficulty believing this is my life and I'm smack in the middle of it! 

"I'm okay, how are you?" 🤥

I thought it was time for a quick update. It's been a while! (Turns out that time flies even when you're not having fun!)

On May 6th, I passed a major milestone: I'm 5 years melanoma-free! At the time of my diagnosis, in early March 2020, I thought that my world had crashed in. Nope, that's what happened on my birthday this year with Ken's diagnosis, but I digress...as usual. 😁 Thankfully, my cancer was caught early, and other than a hideous scar from the removal of the lesion, it's only a dim memory. Melanoma, because it's a skin cancer, is sometimes regarded as unimportant because survival rates are so high. However, the information below, from the Canadian Cancer Society website, is rather sobering.

As a 5-year survivor, I no longer require annual checks; however, my dermatologist has encouraged me to continue skin checks and see her every 2-3 years, or sooner if I notice any suspicious spots.

I had my annual mammogram in July of this year; unfortunately, the scans weren't clear enough to satisfy the radiologist upon further examination. (The scans are given a cursory assessment before you're allowed to go.) They suspected that the denser tissue was just scar tissue, but wanted to be sure. I was booked for another mammo as well as an ultrasound for the following week, and thankfully, my scans were clear. Well, as clear as they can be when you have scar tissue. 😏 I've always maintained that mammograms are not painful - uncomfortable, sure, but not really painful. Whelp, I lied. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I am so glad I wore my post-surgical bra to the appointment because I was hurting for a couple of days! 😖 I told the tech, "I have a high pain tolerance." Well, she decided to test the veracity of my claim! (I will never look at a crepe the same way again! 😁)

You won't see me in shorts!

I noticed some rather extensive bruising in spring, and wondered if I should be concerned. However, I soon realized that it's gardening season, and I'm simply a klutz. I am so grateful I have a garden; it's my happy place, and the need to weed hasn't changed! (One of the few things in my life that hasn't changed. 🙃)

Yes, it's beautiful, but it's all too easy to see the weeds and the work, 

rather than the wonder. 

Our garage reno, courtesy of our fire in November, is nearing completion...maybe. Finding a match for vinyl siding installed 20+ years ago is impossible, so we decided to redo the house as well, so the two buildings would match. I am happy to report that I do not regret the colour I chose! I was worried I would, since the samples are not exactly huge. 🔍

In late July, I was absently scratching what I thought was a mosquito bite when I realized that it was in a spot not actually accessible to mosquitoes. 🫣 I groaned when I realized that these "mosquito bites" were in a line...a line along the L2 dermatome. Yup, I had shingles again. They didn't get too bad, as I began taking medication as soon as I realized what was going on, and I've had the Shingrix vaccine. The lesions were annoying but didn't get too sore; the worst part was that it felt like I had the flu, which was most unpleasant. I haven't been sick (not counting cancer and Covid 😁) in such a long time, I've forgotten how it feels!

When I messaged a friend to share my woes, she quickly called me to commiserate, or so I thought. What she actually said was, "Shingles?!? I thought you were only doing siding!" Thank you for your sympathy, thanks so very much. 😄

I visited the dentist earlier in the year. After my usual check-up and cleaning, my dentist told me, "You're mouth is so clean! Your gums are in great shape, and you're doing a great job with your dental hygiene! Also, you have 6 cavities." Wait, what?!?!? 😲 One of these things (sentences) is not like the other. How is this possible? Oh, right, Letrozole. It's a tough decision, you know, take meds to keep cancer away or keep my teeth! Okay, it's not that bad, but it is annoying...and expensive! It also means that the oral surgery I need to remove a cyst on my wisdom tooth has to wait until 6 months after I've completed treatment. So pardon me if I'm less than amused when you ask me, "So, back to normal after cancer?" There is no "back to normal." 😕 

However, there is good news. I recently saw hubby's former med school colleague, Dr. Morhart, a plastic surgeon who specializes in nerves, and it looks like I'll be having my schwanoma (benign tumour) removed from my left forearm sometime after Ken's completed chemo, likely in November. I really, really, hope it's successful; there are no guarantees, since my lump is nestled in between the medial and ulnar nerves. I've missed playing piano, knitting, embroidering, carrying groceries with both hands... Well, I guess I just miss using my left arm. I also look a wee bit lopsided; Arnold Schwarzenegger on the right and Mr. Bean on the left! Or something...💪🏼

Reason for muscle discrepancy pictured above. Dry stacking slate one-handed isn't easy! 😬

I was recently reading Psalms 73; it's more than a little depressing at the beginning:

But as for me, I almost lost my footing.

    My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone.

For I envied the proud

    when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness.

They seem to live such painless lives.

Their bodies are so healthy and strong.

They don’t have troubles like other people.

They’re not plagued with problems like everyone else.

                                        Psalm 73:2-5

Somehow, society has been conned into believing that we will all live happy, healthy lives like the actors in commercials advertising cruises for seniors. The reality is less rosy. Ken has been watching a lot of documentaries on planes, trains, and automobiles, oh, and ships...many, many ships. 😐 "Honey, did you know that a container ship can carry the equivalent of a freight train that's 44 miles long?" "No, no, I did not know that." In watching documentaries about cruise ships, it becomes readily apparent that the commercials are less than accurate; there are more walkers and canes on board than at a geriatric clinic, which I think is great! I pray I'm able to join their ranks one day. However, this is not the reality portrayed in advertising!

Coupled with this idea that we are guaranteed health, provided we do all the right things (whatever those are), is the belief that life is fair. News flash: it's not. It is so, So, SO not fair...at least here on earth. But in the grand scheme of things, our lives here on earth are merely a blip on the continuum of eternity. I recall hearing a sermon on "The Dash." You know, the punctuation between the date of one's birth and the day they died. Ken has a morbid fascination with graveyards, something I discovered on our honeymoon. Yikes! There are downsides to whirlwind courtships! 😲 (6 months and 6 days from first date to wedding day isn't too fast, right? 😁) However, throughout our almost 30-year marriage, I've grown to enjoy the stories they tell. 

Top: Berlin, at a memorial for those killed while trying 

to cross  "die Mauer" ("The Wall")

Middle right: Kyoto, Japan

Bottom right: Calgary, visited while waiting 

for Donovan to complete his medical school interview

Bottom left: Edinburgh, Scotland, the oldest graveyard I've ever visited

Middle left: Somewhere in England 😊

There's a lot of living packed into that little dash on a gravestone, but in light of eternity, it's merely a speck. So even if life is grossly unfair here on earth, eternity will even things out.

And, thankfully, Psalm 73 doesn't stop at verse 5.

Then I realized that my heart was bitter,

    And I was all torn up inside.

I was so foolish and ignorant—

    I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.

Yet I still belong to you;

    you hold my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

    leading me to a glorious destiny.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

    I desire you more than anything on earth.

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,

 But God remains the strength of my heart;

  He is mine forever.

                                       Psalm 73: 21-26

The last verse has become my life verse, my motto, so to speak. My health has certainly failed, and my spirit grown weak at times, which is why the immutability of God is so precious. 

I've recently had what I've dubbed "vampire thoughts." No, I have no thoughts of murder, I prefer to sleep at night, and I have never enjoyed tomato juice; these thoughts are simply too ridiculous to withstand the light of day. They usually creep into my mind in the moments just before falling asleep or upon waking: "You're gonna' be a rather young widow." "You might have to get a real job!" "It will be so awful to watch your husband die, won't it?" Yeah, helpful they are not; similarly, I imagine, as hip waders would be to a fish. 🙄

So, what to do when these thoughts come around! Well, all those Bible memory verses I learned to go to camp free of charge have certainly been more valuable than I ever could have dreamed. Other verses learned over the years have also been a source of great comfort for me. 

"Be still and know that I am God" has long been a favourite verse of mine.

This verse became precious to me during the turbulence of the pandemic.

Be still. 😊

Lovely thought. 🙂

Um, how? 🤨

Exactly how do I make these absurd thoughts settle down? 😳

I did a little research into the words "be still."  In Hebrew, the language of the Old Testament, where the quoted verses are found, "be still" is translated as "rapha." I've posted my results using Google Translate below.

"Flabby, soft, loose..." Um, it kinda' sounds like they're 

describing certain body parts of mine. 😁

This was only somewhat helpful as it was lacking the context of the biblical passage. Scholars translate "rapha' as “to be weak, to let go, to release.”  The Google AI overview puts it like this:

In the Hebrew Bible, the phrase "be still" in the context of Psalm 46:10 

("Be still, and know that I am God") is often translated from the Hebrew 

word "rapha" (רָפָה). While "be still" can imply a state of quietness or 

cessation of movement, the Hebrew word rapha carries a richer meaning. 

It can be interpreted as "to let go," "to relax," "to cease striving."

This is more along the lines of a Bible paraphrase of Psalm 46:10 that uses the word "desist" in place of "be still." To desist means to stop fighting. Okay. Sure thing. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy, right? Ha! Yeah, no. I know I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating that my first complete sentence was "I can meself." (Thankfully, my grammar has since improved. 😄) In situations that seem especially turbulent, it's human nature to attempt to control whatever one can. (I may or may not be speaking from experience.) 

There's a verse in 2 Corinthians 10:5 that gives us some insight as to how this whole "desisting, handing over command, letting go, etc.," can be achieved:

"...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

To me that means literally stopping and saying (either in my head or out loud, depending on where I am...😬), "No, I am not thinking this. Stop it! I am thinking about something else." If the unwanted thoughts are particularly persistant, I play music or pray the Psalms. I'm a very visual person, so in my mind's eye I see this:

Taking every thought captive! 

Thankfully, whenever I find myself getting all "verklempt," I remind myself that these verses consist of more than two words:

               

 "Be still and know that I am God."

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

As usual, music has been a great comfort to me. The song, "Now I Know Him" by Joseph Habedank, was written for circumstances like ours. 

Now I Know Him

I have known Him in the best of times,

When every day was nothing but sunshine,

And His blessings were my daily bread,

It was true, I knew Him then, and yet

Now I know Him

As my Shelter in the rain.

Yes, now I know Him

As my Shepherd through the pain.

He is dear when life is easy,

But in heartache, so much more.

And now I know Him

Like I never have before.

If my faith had not been tested by the flames,

How could I have known these depths of grace?

'Cause what is trust until it's proven true,

When I see the valleys He has brought me through.

Now I know Him

as the Healer of my heart.

Yes, now I know Him,

The Hand that led me through the dark.

He is dear when life is easy,

But in heartache, so much more.

And now I know Him

Like I never have before.

In my experience, learning to trust God is somewhat like riding a bike. It takes some time and multiple spills and bruises before you feel confident. If you hop onto one, not having driven for a long period, the first few moments can feel a little scary. However, it doesn't take long until you're speeding along, wind blowing through the holes in your helmet. (I never ride without one - something about being married to a neurologist - and I do miss the feeling of flying that accompanies my hair blowing in the wind. Ah, yes, tell me you're a child of the 80s without telling me you're a child of the 80s. 😆)

Oh, right! Speaking of cycling...here's a Facebook post of my SIL, Carolyn, and the live link to the fundraiser. Cycling for Cancer