I'm done!! I'm done? I'm done... (Post #50)
I'm claiming this rainbow as mine. 😊
"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth." Genesis 9:13. God is speaking of the covenant He made to never flood the entire Earth again, but I can't help but think of all the other covenants He's made - and kept - in my life.
Oh boy. 😳 I didn't think I'd be writing this post at this point in time, but here we are. 🤷🏻♀️ It's been almost 4 weeks since I made the decision to stop treatment and I think I've done an exceptionally good job of compartmentalizing, or in plain English, not thinking about it. Treatment was supposed to go on until the end of July. I didn't want to stop. I had decided that I would forge forward...until I met with my oncologist.
On paper, it looks like a minor detail: patient ceased treatment due to cardiomyopathy. In reality, I'm still trying to wrap my head around being finished treatment. Yes, one part of me is very, very happy that the infusions are over, but that's only one part. The other part of me feels like a failure; I don't like leaving things only partially done! (This goes for chocolate bars as well as cancer treatments. 😋) Oh, I know I did my best, and there was really nothing I could have changed to achieve a different outcome, but I'm still struggling with the whole concept of not completing my Herceptin treatments. Maybe it's because I know how important they are in the fight against a recurrence? Although some studies show that 6 months of treatments (8 or 9) are just as good as a full year (17) and I completed 13/17, that's only 76%, which isn't bad, but is certainly not honours! 🏆
So, what happened? Well, I mentioned in my last blog that my latest Echo demonstrated multiple problematic areas. I was hoping that all the pretty colors on my test result were just someone's idea of art, but alas, apparently, it's a bit more complicated. My results were such that, though he gave me the choice, my oncologist was very pleased when I opted to stop my infusions. The reality is that the benefits of continuing treatment were heavily outweighed by the risks to my heart. I have an appointment with a cardio oncologist, who may prescribe an ACE inhibitor (Angiotensin-Converting Enzyme Inhibitors). There was also some discussion about trying a beta-blocker (Beta-Adrenergic Blocking Agent), but this is very unlikely. I'd love to tell you why they're looking at these medications, but I think I was in a state of shock and can't actually remember. Sorry! I'm hoping that my heart recovers quickly and doesn't require any interventions. 💔 For patients receiving Herceptin infusions, it's not uncommon to experience cardiomyopathy (a long word for a sluggish heart caused by various factors). The overwhelming majority recover completely, and I can't say that I'm symptomatic, just tired. A wise friend shared the thought that perhaps this is God's way of telling me that I don't need the rest of the infusions. I like that thought. 🥰 I'm also not completely done with treatment, as I will continue to take Letrozole, an aromatase inhibitor that blocks estrogen, my enemy, for another 5-10 years.
Maybe it's impatience, or pride that's dragging me down? Impatience because the "year off" I planned to give myself is over and I'm still not back to full-strength-Heather and pride because I'm no quitter! A fellow pink warrior recently reminded me that for every month of treatment, you should expect to require 2 months of recovery. I had 4 months of treatment ending December 5th, so until the 5th of August I guess I should give myself the same grace I would extend to anyone else. I'm thinking that my current cardiomyopathy isn't exactly hastening my recovery either. 😏
Have you ever heard of the Spoons Theory? My therapist mentioned it during our session last week. (Yes, I'm still seeing a therapist; turns out I'm more of a mess than first thought! Who knew? 🤪) Below is an image that came up when I Googled Spoon Theory. It's a pretty cool graphic that explains the challenges of chronic illness as well as any recovery. I think it could apply to having a hip replacement, recuperation from cancer treatment, or living with MS. Obviously, the activities, as well as the number of spoons both required and in your possession, differ from person to person. The nice thing about recovery versus chronic conditions is that you'll likely increase your number of spoons, poco a poco. ("Little by little." A smart friend recently shared this with me; I thought it was a great reminder since obviously my little tortoise figurines around the house are no longer working for me!)
Oh, I keep hearing that I "look pretty good," frankly, I probably look better when I leave the house now than at any other point in my life! However, the effort required is also more than at any other time in my life. I listen to David Suchet reading the Bible while I get ready so I don't feel like I'm wasting time. 😄 Last week I met a dear friend who was recently diagnosed with a different cancer and was delighted to see how wonderful she looked. Honestly, if you didn't catch her checking the time repeatedly, hoping it was time for more pain meds, you would never know. That's a problem. When you look good, people think you're feeling good. And I am. Most of the time. Just not enough of the time. Yet.
I'm not sharing this in a bid for sympathy, or to excuse laziness (My mother's voice calling me lazy is still loud and clear in my head, thank you very much!), but rather as a PSA (Public Service Announcement) to spread awareness for those who live with limited spoons. 😊 Please, hold your pity, I'm doing so much better than the majority of patients to whom I administer testing in hubby's clinic and I anticipate having a full drawer of spoons soon. Just remember this PSA when you see a post of a completed project/holiday/party and you're tempted to think, "I thought they were sick/recovering, etc??" You have no idea how long that project took, the number of naps that were required during the holiday, or the careful planning that went into ensuring that attending the party didn't cause a setback. 😴
Case in point:
Hubby has been helping me with the gardening,
for which I am extremely grateful! It's taking a bit longer this year,
but we'll get things cleaned up eventually.
So...unpacking the basement. No, I didn't decide to move, we recently had a pipe in the basement ceiling spring a leak. Thankfully, my son is an insomniac and heard a weird noise when it happened around 1:30am. He ran upstairs to get us after turning off the water pump. (So glad he had the presence of mind to do that!) We spent about an hour moving bookcases (homeschool family = many, many books) and cleaning up the water. Hubby called our insurance company the next day and the demo crew was out lickedty split. I received a call from our insurance company that went kinda like this:
"You've been with us for a long time; we're going to waive the deductible."
"Wow, thanks! We actually had fun with our little clean-up party in the middle of the night."
"How long did you clean?"
"Um, oh, I dunno', maybe half an...nope, it was probably an hour or so."
"Okay, well, we'll reimburse you for your time."
"Seriously?!"
"It's not much."
(It was $15/person = $60 total. Enough to buy pizza for supper and better than nothing! 🍕)
Pardon the birdfeeder; I've turned into my paternal grandfather.
The guy in the background is driving the forklift used to deliver the pods.
Antrim 🍀 was our contractor and was an absolute delight. They packed up the entire contents of the affected rooms and stored them in 2 containers on our driveway. And they carried all the boxes downstairs again as well! (There may have been some good-natured grumbling about the number of books we own! 😁) Unfortunately, they did not return everything to its place, a task that is taking me a while. 😖 (Who bought so. many. books?!? Oh right, that'd be me. 😬) I tried to convince them to just wipe the current floorboards off really well, and reinstall them, but no, they insisted on entirely new floors. Le sigh. 😩 It would have been a lot less work! Seriously though, the whole situation, though unfortunate, was a lot less stressful than it could have been. We're grateful!
One corner of the basement...after working for several hours.
So what is a body to do when things aren't going the way one would like? 🤔 I've learned that trying to find joy in the moment is good for me. This isn't always easy, as it's often easier to get distracted by the negative things in life, but taking the time to enjoy my flowers, to treasure just hanging out/talking on the phone with my kids, to savour my coffee as I watch the birds at my many feeders; these things are all gifts. Gifts that not everyone has. Gifts I almost missed out on. 😳 That realization helps put my current annoyances in perspective. Oh, I'm no saint, besides Saint Heather just sounds downright wrong! 😇 I have my moments of disquietude where that peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7) seems elusive, but I have a Friend who never leaves me, who is a Wonderful Counselor when I'm being irrational, and who has demonstrated His faithfulness time and time again as The Lifter of My Head (Psalm 3:3).
I am singing along in choir again - an absolute treat!
A couple weeks ago we sang this song based on Psalm 3, a favourite
passage of mine. I hope it blesses you as much as it did me.
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