"How Goes the Battle?" (Post #43)

 

"How goes the battle?" This was a message I received from a friend the other day. I confessed to feeling battle-weary, which is the unfortunate truth. It's been a long journey, or should I say a long slog; we began this journey over 8 months ago. But the end is now in sight! This evening marks the halfway mark for my radiation treatments. So far my skin has been holding up quite well. Yes, I look like a lobster, but the pain is manageable. Unfortunately, I was unable to use the Mepitel. It's a bit of a long story that I have difficulty retelling without making certain people look bad, so I'll simply say that as of now, the Mepitel remains unused. It's possible that I may still use it - we'll see! 

I've become quite a pro at this whole radiation thing. When I arrive at the Cross, I park in the overflow parking lot, which means that there's a bit of a walk to actually reach the hospital. (I purchased a monthly pass, as paying for underground parking each day would seriously cut into my "adventure" fund.)  That's fine - the weather has been most cooperative. 😎  However, I did notice a new phenomenon the other day. 

It was a bit chillier than usual and I had left my mittens behind. By the time I reached my vehicle, the first 3 fingers on my right hand and the first 2 fingers on my left were rather numb. This correlates perfectly with the discoloration of my fingernails, probably caused by less-than-perfect icing during an infusion. (I recall using my laptop a bit more and removing my hands from my frozen mitties.) Oops, I guess it really did make a difference! I am super glad that I suffered through the hours of icing if that little bit of non-compliance meant the start of neuropathy. (My toes are fine - I never removed my booties!)  Now, my little cold-induced neuropathy will go away; many women report feeling fine after 6 months to a year, provided it wasn't too bad. Unfortunately, others never regain their dexterity or feeling and some are even on painkillers due to their discomfort. It kinda makes me mad that it isn't protocol to offer ice to everyone, after explaining the science behind it, of course. 🧐 You can be sure that I'm quite the frozen mitties/booties salesperson; I even managed to convince my oncologist! 

If you look closely, you can see that my thumb and the first couple of fingers on each hand have discolored nails. (They're slightly purple.) Icing works using vasoconstriction, which is the narrowing (constriction) of your blood vessels. This prohibits the chemo drugs (anything Taxol-based) from reaching your fingers/toes, which is where neuropathy begins. Unfortunately, some women lose some or all of their fingernails and toenails, as a result of chemo. I really didn't want that. (Insert shudder here! 😖) These photos were taken at the end of October but things haven't changed since then, as I got very, very strict when icing. 

Something else I've noticed, which has caused me severe cognitive dissonance, is that there is often someone standing outside the Cross Cancer Institute (CCI) puffing on a cigarette!! The last two days it was an inpatient, standing out there in his lovely blue gown and robe! I just can't even...🤯 

Radiation is in the basement, so upon entering CCI, I take the escalator downstairs where I check-in. (I just realized that I have no idea where the stairs are!🤷‍♀️ ) CCI recently started using Connect Care, which is "a clinical information system that will house all AHS medical records, prescriptions and care history at AHS facilities." In theory, this means that the information for all my appointments is available on my phone, provided I use the AHS Connect app. However, there are still a few bugs to work out. 😬 My radiation is always at Site 7. Upon arrival, I immediately change into one of the stylish blue gowns and sit in my specific waiting area. (Bonus! I've finally figured out how not to inadvertently flash people! Who knew these gowns are actually avant-garde wrap dresses! Don't tell the men...😁 Oh, and I keep my pants on.) The patient scheduled after me is usually already there and is quite chatty. Ask me anything you want to know about prostate cancer. And I mean anything. 😖 Actually, scratch that - I'll spare you! 😂 After seeing the radiation therapists for the past 11 weekdays (pre-rad plus 10 radiation treatments) we've become well acquainted. They are all wonderful. And they like my brownies, so they obviously have great taste!

My last post described the radiation machine and how I lay on it, however, I've discovered something new: my radiated area is shaped like Alberta! Seriously. It's wider at the top and then tapers down a bit. Unfortunately, the top extends across my whole armpit. I didn't realize just how much I move my left arm until doing so caused uncomfortable chafing. So the "head" of the machine, the part that actually shoots the radiation, has teeth. Metal teeth. They are called Multi Leaf Collimators, so maybe they're leaves, not teeth?🤔 They move independently, creating the shape required for your particular case. It's so cool! 

This is certainly a random shape. 

Imagine the shape of the province of Alberta and you'll have mine. 😊

So after practicing my breath-holding ability, I change back into my clothes and reverse my steps to the parking lot. The whole process takes less than half an hour, minus the time spent driving, that is. However, I've been listening to the Bible read by David Suchet (NIVUK) and the commute just flies by! The other day I looked down a hallway at CCI and realized that it was the area I'd been "parked" in before my first surgery when things went south. I may have shivered a little as I thanked God that I was now walking down the hallway, the majority of my treatment behind me.

Meanwhile, we've begun calling chemo "the gift that keeps on giving," said with the appropriate amount of sarcasm, of course. Honestly, I think I was hoping that 3 weeks after my last infusion (December 5) my body would just return to "normal." (Whatever that is!) What I didn't realize, is that some of the side effects that usually showed up in week 3 are actually planning to stick around for a while. 😒 It's great. 😑 What I neglected to take into account, is that when I received another infusion, other more debilitating side effects such as nausea and fatigue took over from the less severe side effects. So my nose still randomly starts running. That's running, not dripping. I find it disgusting...and it's my nose! 🤢 My eyes will also join the running party at times, though both these side effects have lessened somewhat and will continue to do so. I still have word-finding difficulties, but I'm slowly emerging from my chemo fog and have been driving myself to radiation each day...without any ill effects! I'm really not used to having restrictions on my energy and mental capabilities; it's beyond annoying! In the past I could force my mind and body to "get things done;" that won't be happening for a while. They say it takes 6 months to a year to get back to baseline, but I've always been an overachiever...😁 (I'll give myself until March!) 

My hair has not started growing back yet. Yes, I'm getting a bit impatient. 👩‍🦲 I think I'm still losing hair, and I'm certainly still losing eyelashes and eyebrow hair! I have a rather noticeable bald spot on my right eye. Thankfully liquid eyeliner helps disguise that, as fake eyelashes are a bit too "extra" for even me. 😊

Oops, looks like I didn't get all my mascara off before taking this photo! My eyelashes are certainly not luscious at this time. I'd be happy to just get rid of the bald spot! (And yes, I know this photo is creepy; how else could I show you?)

I treated myself to a Jacek Advent calendar this year. Unfortunately, after December 5th, the chocolates did not taste as they should. (Jacek chocolates do not taste like dirt!) At the beginning of the year, I realized that I had exactly 20 chocolates left, perfect for 20 days of radiation. So I renumbered the doors and made it my countdown calendar instead. 😋 

One of the radiation therapists mentioned that she was "feeling very January" the other day. I commiserated. I'm not fond of January at the best of times, and these are not the best of times. With the usual Alberta sun missing in action this past week, I've found myself dipping into the chocolate more than usual. I'm sure it will pass...just in time for Valentine's Day! 😊 There's a song called "God of All My Days" sung by Casting Crowns that reminds me that God is still the God of January, though perhaps not in those specific words. Before we know it, it will be February 1 and my last day of radiation! 

I came to You with my heart in pieces

And found the God with healing in His hands

I turned to You, put everything behind me

And found the God, who makes all things new

I looked to You, drowning in my questions

And found the God, who holds all wisdom

And I trusted You and stepped out on the oceans

You caught my hand among the waves

'Cause You are the God of all my days

Each step I take, You make a way

I will give You all my praise

My seasons change, You stay the same

You're the God of all my days

I ran from You, wandered in the shadows

And found a God, who relentlessly pursues

I hid from You, haunted by my failure

And found the God, whose grace still covers me

I fell on You when I was at my weakest

And found the God, the lifter of my head

And I've worshipped You and felt You right beside me

You're the reason that I sing

'Cause You're the God of all my days

Each step I take, You make a way

I will give You all my praise

My seasons change, You stay the same

You're the God of all my days

In my worry

God, You are my stillness

In my searching

God, You are my answers

In my blindness

God, You are my vision

In my bondage

God, You are my freedom

And in my weakness

God, You are my power

You're the reason that I sing

You're the God of all my days