What Can I Say? (Post #41)

 

Well then, what can I say after a year like 2022? I was browsing through the photos on my phone and noticed a distinct change in subject matter after my diagnosis. (We call the time before May 13, 2022, BC, or Before Cancer, and the time after as AC, After Cancer.)

B.C. (Before Cancer) Beginning upper left and moving clockwise: 1) Sitting at my desk at work during happier times. 2) Ken and I in Victoria, BC, a month before my diagnosis. 3) The usual pair of Canadian Geese with their goslings on the patio at work. 4) My birthday in Canmore in February. 5) My seedlings from this past spring.

Several things quickly become apparent: 1) I'm no longer at work and miss it a lot! 2) We haven't gone anywhere requiring a boarding pass since April. 3) I hope to be back at work before the geese return this year!  4) Look at that hair!! (I will never complain about my hair again. Ha! Who am I kidding, of course, I will...as soon as I have some to complain about! I now wear that hat when I don't feel like wearing a wig but need to drive somewhere (but not get out 😬). 5) I was so concerned that my seedlings would die and my garden would be a disaster but Ken kept it looking amazing! 😍

A.C. (After Cancer) Beginning upper left and moving clockwise: 1) Dinner on Christmas Day (I was so happy to have the whole family together! 😊) 2) Our dates look a little different now; here we're waiting for my radiation oncologist. 😜 3) I discovered just how many medications you can take at one time = a lot! 4) What my family sees versus what the world sees. It turns out that wigs are itchy, and pinchy, and not a lot of fun to wear. So I wear chemo caps at home. 👩‍🦲 5) I've become a pro at preparing for blood tests - hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!

So what can I say after the past year?  God is good, even when life isn't. His character is good, therefore He cannot be anything but good. However, that doesn't mean that those who love Him will only experience good. (Enough goods for a while! 😊 You'll start to expect services, and that's too taxing. Okay, okay, I'll stop...😁) 

Because God is good, I end this year a different person than I was at the beginning of 2022. I treasure people more, notice the little things (and actually take the time to appreciate them), tend to sweat the small stuff less, and I am able to empathize with others more easily. (Though I don't think there's any risk of me becoming an empath...sorry! 😁) I also hope I'm a little kinder, and more inclined to extend grace to others. However, I believe the most important difference is that in coming closer to my Saviour, I find myself wanting to ensure that I don't do anything to jeopardize my relationship with Jesus. It's just not worth it. The joy and peace I've experienced during periods of complete and utter chaos and turmoil are indescribable to anyone who hasn't experienced it, and I'm not trying to be exclusive, I just lack the words to explain it! (I guess that's why they call it "peace that passes understanding" in the Bible! 🤷‍♀️)

A good reminder from Instagram. 😊

Having said that, does that mean I've been gliding through the past 7.5 months with nary a doubt or fear? Ha! Not even close. I've had moments where God felt a million miles away, but that's where faith comes in. Even though I can't always feel His presence, I know He's still there. And so I persevere. I continue to trust, not relying on my extremely fickle emotions, but rather on the promises in His Word, and remembering how He's helped in the past. This is not easy! I don't want to minimize the severity of these moments of crisis, but that's what they are - moments. Just remember the phrase that appears 86 times in the Bible: "It came to pass..." It didn't come to stay.

So when I'm sobbing in despair with clouds of depression that threaten to smother me and refuse to lift, when I'm tired of being bald and feeling sickly, when the coming month of radiation followed by a month of recuperation seems like halfway to forever, then I remember 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.

Jesus told us straight up that we'd have troubles in this world. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) He didn't promise us rose-strewn pathways with nary a pothole, that sounds more like heaven! (Especially if you drive in Edmonton! 😁) 

Looking to 2023, I hope for the return of some normalcy. I pray for routine days where I groan over what to make for supper and complain to hubby about work as we commute together, rather than preparing yet another freezer meal while waiting for him to come home. I look forward to days when my to-do list exceeds the hours in the day, instead of facing seemingly limitless hours of monotony while feeling unable to do even the most basic tasks due to fatigue. I long for the day when I can speak and write fluently again (without a thesaurus always at hand) and my word-finding difficulties are no longer cause for distress...or great hilarity, depending on the situation. 😊 I was promised that the brain fog would lift, that I would once again be able to compose witticisms and understand jokes without an explanation. And bad hair days. I really look forward to the return of my hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes! 👱‍♀️ But this will take time. And I'm not the patient type, as you may recall. 😏 (My hair is still falling out, as commonly happens after the last infusion, and may continue to do so, for another couple of weeks.) Not exactly your usual list of resolutions, I'll agree; there's only one resolution on my list this year: to become more like Jesus. A.W. Tozer says it well in the image below:

There's a song by Riley Clemmons called "For the Good" (video below) based on Romans 8:28; "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I think it's a good song to take me into 2023. (There are also references to multiple Bible verses; how many can you find? 😊) The lyrics are as follows:

Who can bend my burdens

And make them beautiful?

Who can bring the healing

To the hurt I hold?

Who else could part the waters

When I'm needing a way?

Though I'm walking through the valley

I'll believe when You say

I'll believe when You say

For the good, for the good

You work all things together

For the good, for the good

Your promise stands forever

You alone are my greatest hope

I trust You on the broken road

You work all things together like only You could

For the good

Lord, Your ways are higher

You know Your plans for me

You give purpose and a future

Even when I can't see

So, I will pray through every heartache

I will cling to this faith

Though I'm walking through the valley

I'll believe when You say

I'll believe when You say

For the good, for the good

You work all things together

For the good, for the good

Your promise stands forever

You alone are my greatest hope

I trust You on the broken road

You work all things together like only You could

For the good

Of those who love You, those who love You

For the good

Of those who love You, those who love You

I know You're working, I know You're working

I believe, I believe

Good things are coming, good things are coming

I believe, I believe