A Little Therapy Homework (Post #34)

 

On my Jonah-ist of days this past week, a dear friend offered to make us supper.

It was a feast for the eyes and the tastebuds...and a balm for my bedraggled soul. Dessert was the most incredible cheesecake that vanished at a rather alarming speed. 😋 It was a good reminder: God is good, even when life isn't!

Jonah needs to leave. Seriously. I think an expedition to the South Pole might appeal to him...maybe? He's been hanging around way too much this past round. Oh, who is Jonah? Well, Wikipedia describes him thus:

Jonah, son of Amittai, is a prophet in the Bible, from Gath-Hepher of the northern kingdom of Israel in about the 8th century BC. Jonah is the central figure of the Book of Jonah, which details his reluctance in delivering God's judgment on the city of Nineveh, and then his subsequent, albeit begrudged, return to the divine mission after he is swallowed by a large sea creature.

Yeah, he's that guy; the one that was swallowed by a fish, was stuck in its belly for 3 days, then urped up onto the shore. 😬 Not the most cheerful of chaps, he's best known for complaining to God and basically telling Him, "I don't wanna..." However, at our house, he is also known as the person behind "Jonah days," as written about by L.M. Montgomery, author of the Anne of Green Gables series. These are days that seem to have very little to commend them; everything feels like it's going wrong, and there's little hope of anything improving. Sounds delightful, right? Of course not. I think I may need to increase my anti-depressants or add another, if only for the next two rounds since chemo can certainly affect your mood. 😑 It might be easier to list what chemo doesn't affect, like...um...my shoe size? 😊

I have been chatting virtually with the most delightful therapist. I knew that when a hospital scene in a Hallmark movie triggered a panic attack I needed to do something, and so I reached out. We've met twice and I don't think you're supposed to laugh as much as we do, especially when discussing trauma! 😁 Oh, make no mistake, the tissue companies are still turning a healthy profit; I'm amazed at how many tears the human body can shed and not dehydrate! 

Last week we discussed the idea of an "internal family." She'd noticed that I talk about "Positive Pollyanna" and "Negative Nellie," and during the course of our conversation, Judgey George also came into being. These are all...hmm, how to say this without sounding completely nuts...they're all competing voices in my head, I guess.  🫣  Not that I hear them as distinct individuals, but does no one else have conversations, or better said, discussions with themselves? I mean, Negative Nellie has been banished because she wouldn't shut up! And I've been battling Judgey George ever since I understand the concept of grace! So as homework, (because the almost-teacher in me can't ever stop teaching, even myself) I decided to acquaint myself with the members of this "internal family." No cause for alarm, I'm not suddenly developing Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder; I think that even the most concrete thinkers must admit to having various responses to circumstances, depending on the situation. And no one has ever accused me of being a concrete thinker! 😊

I kinda feel like I'm showing you my junk drawer, or even worse, my incredibly disorganized laundry room, 🙈 but there's power in being vulnerable and as always, my goal is to help others. If I can push someone to examine their own "internal family" and gain a better understanding of what "makes us tick," then it's worth it. And so, without further ado, I give you...(drumroll, please 🥁) my therapy homework!

This is the story of my life. Well, the lives of my internal family members, who like to boss me around. Honestly, most days I feel as though I am at their mercy! So perhaps, before I begin my tale, I should ensure that you understand the cast. 

Characters:

Main protagonist: 

Positive Pollyanna 

Pollyanna always finds the good in every situation…even when there is none to be found. Her favorite holiday is Christmas when she can spread the most cheer, and her favorite color is yellow, as she is such a ray of sunshine. (Blinding us and giving us cancer, according to my youngest!) She is always cheerful (to the point of being annoying) and carries a large rubber mallet which she uses to keep the other family members in line. (Perish the thought that she’d actually hurt someone, she merely nudges them into line.) She is perpetually 9 years of age, enjoying the innocence of youth, and has beautiful blond curls and bright, sparkling blue eyes. Pollyanna’s favorite activity is to count her blessings, of which there are many, and her default emotions are joy and delight.

Main antagonist: 

Negative Nellie

Nellie always finds the negative in every single situation.  Her favorite holiday is Remembrance Day when she recalls the stupidity of man and war, and her favorite color is orange, reminiscent of her “burn it down” mentality. Negative Nellie has two manners of speech: 1. Mumbling beneath her breath, and 2. Yelling loud enough for the deafest of imbeciles to hear. Nellie's appearance is that of Nellie Olsen (of Little House on the Prairie fame) at age 64, having smoked 2 packs of cigarettes per day and imbibing in entirely too much alcohol. She has not, however, even experimented with recreational drugs, fearing that she might become chipper under their influence. She is often exiled to the northernmost regions of Uzbekistan, shamed by Pollyanna. Nellie’s favorite activity is reminding people of all the negative and bad things around them; the antithesis of counting your blessings. Her default emotions are Schadenfreude and pride in ruining the joy of others.

Supporting cast:

Judgey George 

George has an opinion about absolutely everything and doesn’t hesitate to share it. His favorite holiday is April Fools Day when all his dreams come true and he moves about muttering “Told you so…” in a growling bass. George is Walter Matthau in the flesh. He has 2 favorite colors: red and blue, just like his favorite law enforcers, who are his heroes. George’s favorite activity is listing all the times his predictions of folly were correct and his favorite emotions are Schadenfreude and pride. Yes, he and Nellie make quite the couple! Unfortunately, George suffers from dementia as evidenced by his inability to recall any misfortunes brought upon himself as a result of his own actions. 

Dolorous Dolores

Dolores is the female equivalent of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Her favorite holiday is Boxing Day when she bemoans the money she spent on all the items now on sale and despairs at the emotional letdown after the Christmas rush, lamenting that Christmas is now 364 days away. Dolores is happiest when she is either crying, just about to cry, or has just finished crying…which is essentially all the time. She is always attired in sweeping gowns, dark in color, has mousey, stringy hair (Who has time to shower with so much wrong in the world!), and perpetually red-rimmed dark brown, puppy dog eyes. Dolores’s favorite color is black, as this color of fabric doesn’t show her teardrops as readily. Her favorite activity is telling others about the misery in her life and her favorite emotions are anguish and sorrow.

Practical Patty

Patricia, better known as Patty, only shows up when everyone else has fled the premises. Her proudest moment was when, after her SIL received second-degree burns from an exploding cappuccino maker, she had the presence of mind to ask the 2 doctors, who were too busy examining the machine to inquire after the patient, which pain meds should be given. She also thought to fill a pitcher with cold water which her SIL gratefully used to soak her hand on the way to the hospital. Never mind that she immediately broke down and fled when her presence was no longer required, only to be replaced by Dolorous Dolores. Patty’s favorite color is brown, of course, which doesn’t show the dirt. Her favorite holiday is Black Friday, because, “Hello, deals!” Patty’s favorite activity is anything that improves the efficiency of her life and her favorite emotions are of no importance, as emotions aren’t practical. 

Sarcastic Stan

Stan is the master of sarcasm and mockery. Iron is his favorite metal and he has no favorite holiday as they’re all just days, and just because someone has decreed one day to be more special than another doesn’t really make it thus.  Stan is striking in appearance, much like a perpetually ticked-off Simon Colwell. Stan has no favorite color for the same reason he has no favorite holiday. He does have a favorite activity, however, which is pointing out the stupidity of others after they have experienced failure. As such, it follows that his favorite emotions are Schadenfreude (noticing a trend?) and glee, which he experiences after causing someone shame.

Precious Priscilla

Priscilla is a perfectionist whose goal in life is to convince everyone, including herself, that everything in her life is perfect. She is different from Pollyanna in that she doesn’t necessarily use positivity to achieve this, no, she is rather more inclined to coerce, or guilt one into bending to her will. Her favorite holiday is all of them, as they represent yet another opportunity to portray a picture-perfect life to the world…false as that may be. Priscilla never has a hair out of place and looks like the perfect Stepford Wife, complete with high heels. Priscilla’s favorite color is purple because deep down, she really thinks she must be royalty. Her favorite activity is fluttering about and looking important while doing nothing of any value. Her favorite emotions are a superior sense of pride accompanied by a strong sense of anxiety, for fear someone will see past the façade. 

Missing Cast Members:

Realistic Reginald: Reggie is able to view situations objectively and respond dispassionately, after deciding whether or not the circumstances are beneath his control. His appearances are few and far between, sadly.

And so there you have it! My "internal family" is like any other, some members are cherished, while others are banished. 🤷‍♀️ It can be a bit of a struggle to get the balance right, to know when to allow each member to speak. Some, such as Sarcastic Stan, need to be kept under strict control, and if he flits through my mind like a sparrow, that's fine, as long as I don't allow him time to build the proverbial nest. Getting to know these characters has actually been a lot of fun...well, most of the time. 😬 There are a couple whom I would cheerfully exile, but that in itself is telling. What strikes me is that God extends grace to every one of these individuals. Oh, not my "internal family," but I'm sure you could think of actual humans who embody the characteristics described here, even (or especially) the less popular cast members. 😖 It's freeing to know that God's grace is for every single person, that He sent His son for absolutely everyone, and that He is standing by, waiting for us to ask Him for help in creating an "internal family" that honors Him. I can't imagine walking this journey without Him! 💗

The song I've linked below is called "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns and captures my heart's cry every time I think of just how blessed I am to know the Father.

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt?

Who am I, that the bright and morning star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever-wandering heart?

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin

Would look on me with love

And watch me rise again?

Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea

Would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me?

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

A vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

You've told me who I am

I am Yours

I am Yours

I'm all Yours

Whom shall I fear? Whom shall I fear?

'Cause I am Yours

I am Yours