Forward, March! (Post #36)

 

Did you expect better at an 8 am appointment?!? 

It was hard enough getting a photo with Ken's eyes open! 😁

Monday morning dawned bright and early at 8:19ish, (sunrise) by which time we were already waiting for the radiation oncologist, I having changed into the most stylish of gowns and been weighed. (I swear the tie-strings are just sewn on randomly; meanwhile, somewhere, someone is laughing manically as I try to figure out how not to flash anyone!) With my last chemo infusion scheduled for Monday afternoon, (I might be crying at that thought...😭) it is time to move on to the next and hopefully last stage of treatment. 

Since the size of my largest tumor was 2.3cm, (And that's all that matters, they don't measure them all and add them together...thankfully. Otherwise, mine would be over 5 cm, with all 7 tumors accounted for... 😬) they opted to operate first in an attempt to get out as many cancerous cells as possible, then blast any laggards or sneaky mercenaries using chemo and radiation. If they're not comfortable removing a tumor due to its size, or the patient doesn't want a mastectomy, ( no radiation allowed if you get a mastectomy) they may undergo chemo before surgery, with the hope that the tumor will shrink, which it does in the majority of cases. There's a benefit to this, despite having a larger tumor; you know that you're not going through chemo in vain, as it's easy to see how the tumor responds. For me, due to having clean margins post-surgery, any "clean-up" is at the cellular level and we don't have tests finicky enough to pick up random cancer cells yet, though they're coming! However, these random cells are still bad, despite being isolated, as they simply set up camp, create their own little outpost, and soon take over anything in the area such as organs, ducts, skin, etc. Unfortunately, Dr. Zhu could not give me any assurance that anything I'm doing is actually working...which is an uncomfortable feeling. Well, until I look in the mirror, see my "silver kiwi" head and weird skin, and think, "Well, if it's doing this to my healthy cells, it had better be killing my cancer!" Reality is, only God really knows what's working, and that's okay, He's the one in charge of numbering my days anyway. 

So, Dr. Paulson is my radiation oncologist and she has such a calming persona. This is important, as, for some reason, I'm feeling a bit of trepidation regarding getting radiation treatments. "Hook up an IV that's so poisonous I'm not allowed to wash my laundry with anyone else's and the nurses gown up to hang it? No problem. Zap me with targeted x-rays...NO WAY!" Weird. (Then again, since normal is just a setting on your dryer, I'm fine being weird. 😊) I think it's mostly just a fear of the unknown that has me feeling a bit apprehensive. I already know what to expect from chemo, though that isn't guaranteed from one round to another, but I already know that it's awful. I belong to a Facebook group of Pink Warriors (other breast cancer patients, past and present) and some of the women posted the most horrific photos of some of the weeping blisters they had developed as a result of radiation. Not pleasant, nor exactly helpful to someone who hasn't started! It's my understanding that these patients often had larger tumors that were on or close to the chest wall, necessitating specialized intensified therapy. I will be receiving several booster sessions after 17 (I think) regular radiation sessions, as I'm under 50. So the last three will be more targeted to the area where the tumors were, as well as more intense. Sessions are daily from Monday to Friday for the month of January, with weekends off. I can expect to be in the building for less than half an hour, with the actual radiation taking between 5-10 minutes. Apparently, the most time-consuming part is getting me into position, which reminds me...

...I'm getting two tattoos!! 

Okay, so they'll be smaller than fruit flies and are just 2 dots to help ensure proper alignment so that the radiation goes to the right area, but still! Pretty exciting stuff for this Mennonite...😜 

This brings to mind a conversation I had with my massage therapist a few years ago. She is strong, as in, green man Hulk strong and can make you cry if she feels like it. But wow, do you feel amazing when she's done! (For some reason I can stand on one foot after my massage to put on my socks, but not before when I try to remove them flamingo style! 🤷‍♀️) She was asking me why "I don't have any ink" and my reply was that I'm allergic to pain. She retorted, "You're here, aren't you? You'd be fine!" So, here's hoping she's right and I don't embarrass myself by screaming like a banshee! 

This whole cancer journey has really made me reconsider some "truths" about myself that I used to believe quite fervently. For example, I've always believed that I have a low pain tolerance and that I'm a wimp. This was due in part to a nurse who assessed me when I was in labor with Donovan and after a rather strong contraction, stated "Well, that was a nice gentle one!" And she was serious. (I felt like I was being turned inside out.) In retrospect, she seemed a little young to have her own kids and she later refused to be my nurse because I was given an epidural "too early." That's according to her, of course. I beg to differ! So yes, natural childbirth was not for me; all three kids are epidural babies. 😊 Though with #3 it ran out and the doc refused to top it up and my youngest was still born healthy...in 45 minutes, no less! (Ever seen him walk or run? Yeah, he's fast.) I've always considered myself a bit of a princess, a thought process completely supported by my husband, I must admit. 😍 This journey has challenged me in ways I didn't think possible, and that's just physically. I've discovered new depths to my endurance and impressed the medical staff, ("You are tough!") which has been a bit mind-bending, to be honest. I've also discovered a mental toughness I never thought possible. Now, of course, this is not actually me, it's quite simply a manifestation of the power of God. In walking close to Him, I've been able to see His hand at work in ways I'd never previously thought possible. 

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

                                                                   Philippians 4:13  

It's a pretty heady feeling to know that the strength of the One who created the Earth is available to you, provided you actually need it; no playing superhero and zapping people, etc. (Though I'll admit it would be tempting! 👼)  

So now I'm faced with the dilemma of what to do between my last chemo infusion and the start of radiation, well, once I'm feeling like myself again, post-infusion. They DO NOT like to delay or interrupt any sessions, and the threats hanging in the air when I asked "What happens if I get sick?" were palpable. You do not want to get sick...you do not want them to extend your radiation treatments. 😬  If I get sick over Christmas, I might have to delay my start, as you are required to hold your breath for 30+ seconds, something not easily done when you're coughing! So now I'm torn between "Oh, c'mon, live a little!" and "Do you want to undo all the hard work and adherence to schedule that you've managed this far?" (Funny how the second voice belongs to my mother and the first voice sounds like Jiminy Cricket! 😏) I'd love nothing more than to be in church on Christmas Eve and get together for some amazing food and fellowship over the holidays, but...I know me. I would be devastated and beat myself up to the moon and back if my schedule had to be changed. It's not entirely selfish; my family is in this with me and they want it to be over as much, if not more than I do! For example, my daughter doesn't pick up shifts during that first week post-infusion, as I require a bit more help and, besides that, the house goes to total rot if she's not around and we eat way too much takeout. Not to mention that I miss the office and I like to think that the office misses me. 😊 So for now I'm leaning towards joining the land of the living for real in March.(Hence, forward, March!) Apparently, the side effects of radiation are worst 2 weeks post-radiation completion, so February might find me feeling rather miserable, we'll see!

The group Casting Crowns sings a song called "Already There" which sums up my emotions nicely. I might be feeling apprehensive about radiation, but God is already there; He even knows what my skin will look like when I'm finished!

Already There by Casting Crowns

From where I'm standing

Lord, it's so hard for me to see

Where this is going

And where You're leading me

I wish I knew how

All my fears and all my questions

Are gonna play out

In a world I can't control

Whoa, whoa

From where You're standing

Lord, You see a grand design

That You imagined

When You breathed me into life

And all the chaos

Comes together in Your hands

Like a masterpiece, hey

Of Your picture-perfect plan

When I'm lost in the mystery

To You my future is a memory

'Cause You're already there

You're already there

Standing at the end of my life

Waiting on the other side

And You're already there

You're already there

One day I'll stand before You

And look back on the life I've lived

I can't wait to enjoy the view

And see how all the pieces fit

One day I'll stand before You

And look back on the life I've lived

I can't wait to enjoy the view

And see how all the pieces fit

One day I'll stand before you

And look back on the life I've lived

'Cause You're already there

You're already there

When I'm lost in the mystery

To You, my future is a memory

'Cause You're already there

You're already there

Standing at the end of my life

Waiting on the other side

And You're already there

You're already there

You're already there