Sometimes I Cry (Post #30)

 

The Soda Shop in Hinton is adorable!

Pollyannas have off days too. Perhaps not as many, nor as dark, but some days I cry. 😕 Today was such a day. I didn't have a good night's sleep last night, thanks to some wacky dreams, and I awoke feeling blah. I'm not sure what tipped me over the edge; maybe it was being in Hinton and having overdone it the night before when I drove one-third of the way. (Don't worry - it was between Niton Junction and Hinton, where the most common observer was of the wildlife variety, and I don't mean oilfield workers! ) Maybe it was Week 2 chemo side effects, such as super sensitive skin, bowel complaints, and a sore mouth with wonky taste buds*, but with less to distract me, I was just not feeling like myself. 😔

    *Bad news! Doritos are no longer delicious. Now don't freak out, they're still worth eating, and still my go-to when my weight starts to dip, (please ignore that last phrase, my dietitian sisters-in-law 😬) and they're still not offensive, due to their carefully curated taste profile, but I am not craving them anymore. Apparently, Doritos are a scientific triumph, and their taste profile is very complicated. It makes me wonder whether they asked chemo patients to taste-test them. I have visions of a giant Dorito chip walking through the cancer wards, passing out free samples. I wouldn't be mad! 😋

Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror is still somewhat of a shock, especially if I haven't dolled up. 👩🏻‍🦲 (It's amazing what a new "rug" and "paint" can do to improve the look of things!) So I did what I usually do when I'm feeling low, and began music therapy. I started with some of my current favorites such as "Thank You For the Blood" by Charity Gayle, then after my playlist had played, I allowed Amazon Prime Music to choose my next selections. It quickly became apparent that God has control over my Amazon Prime account, as songs such as "Still In Control" by Mack Brock (new to me) 

How can I say it is well

When my voice can barely speak

How can I sing You a song

In the midst of suffering

Jesus will you meet me here

Let Your peace wash over me

I need You now more than ever

Teach my soul to sing

My God is still in control

And still He reigns on His throne

Though mountains may tremble and sea billows roll

I’ll sing it is well with my soul

My God is still in control

You have not left me alone

Though the world has let me down

All of my sorrow and pain

I will trade it for a crown

Thank you for staying with me

When the night was closing in

Whatever my lot, you are still God

I will sing again 

It is well

With my soul

"Still in Control" by Mack Brock

and "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Gokey were played. 

You're shattered

Like you've never been before

The life you knew

In a thousand pieces on the floor

And words fall short in times like these

When this world drives you to your knees

You think you're never gonna get back

To the you that used to be

Beginning

Just let that word wash over you

It's alright now

Love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one

Leave the darkness, feel the sun

Cause your story's far from over

And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak

And every scar

Be a picture that reminds you

Who has carried you this far

'Cause love sees farther than you ever could

In this moment heaven's working

Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Your heart to beat again

Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

"Tell Your Heart to Beat Again"

Song after song told of His goodness, and faithfulness, with an overarching theme of "It Is Well." In the midst of this, my older sister texted me a photo of her grandson, (the cutest kid ever) and asked how I was doing. Now you have to understand something about my big sis; when she prays, demons tremble. She knows the power in the name of Jesus and uses it well. I have no idea why she felt prompted to send me that photo (other than the fact that he sucks his fingers in the exact same manner as I did as a child) but even just the few messages that we exchanged helped to elevate my mood and reminded me I'm not in this battle alone. 

I know I'm not in this alone. 

    Trust me, I feel the prayer support continuously. 

        I know I wouldn't be doing as well without it. So again, thank you. 

            But some days are hard. 

                Let's be honest...cancer sucks. 

So while I was enjoying a good "duct cleaning" courtesy of my music therapy, 😭 I had the TV on the Armchair Tourist channel. (Don't knock it; it's a cheap and easy way to see the world!) So, obviously, God was also producing that show today, as I recognized over 15 different places from around the world. I got to "visit" places as far away as the train station in Kyoto (Stefan and I often took the hotel shuttle to eat lunch there) and Tokyo, Japan, and a park Ken and I walked through in Sydney, Australia. Even places such as the tallest building in South America that we visited in Santiago, Chile, and Faneuil Hall in Boston, Massachusetts (a place Stefan and I frequented the spring he turned 16), were featured. And London, England, (of course 😊). It was as though God was showing me all the amazing places I've visited in the past and whispering to my heart that I would travel again. 

So all this is to say that God is in the details.🧐 (See "God is in This Story" by Katy Nichole and Big Daddy Weave.) After today, I'm more convinced than ever that God is interested in every aspect of our lives, and, even more importantly, He cares. He knows when we're having a downer day and He cares enough to manipulate things to ensure that we see His hand at work. So what started out as a "Jonah day" ended up as a day that demonstrated the wonderful care of my Heavenly Father. It is well!

God is in This Story by Katy Nichole and Big Daddy Weave:

There's torn up pages in this book

Words that tell me I'm no good

Chapters that defined me for so long

But the hands of grace and endless love

Dusted off and picked me up

Told my heart that hope is never gone

So if the storm you're walking through

Feels like it's too much and you

Wonder if He even cares at all

Well, hold on tight to what you know

He promised He won't let you go

Your song of healing's written in His scars

If it reads like addiction

If it reads like disease

He's the One who frees the prisoner

He's the healer of all things

If it reads like depression

If it reads broken home

He's the One who holds your sorrow

He won't leave you here alone

God is in this story

God is in the details

Even in the broken parts

He holds my heart, He never fails

When I'm at my weakest

I will trust in Jesus

Always in the highs and lows

The One who goes before me

Always in the highs and lows

The One who goes before me

God is in this story (you're in this story)

God is in my story (right here in my story)