I'm Thankful Cancer Saved My Life - A Confession (Post #29)

 

Today I'm thankful. Yes, I know, everyone is thankful this weekend. At the very least, everyone is trying to come up with at least one thing for which to give thanks. This year, my thanks go deeper. There are the usual reasons to be thankful: great family, no physical needs (not to be confused with wants), good health...oh, wait. 😬 Right. We'll get back to that. 

Frankly, this year I'm just grateful that I have an opportunity to celebrate! When I think back to how close I came to heaven after my surgery (you can find the blog posts about that experience here and here), I'm just grateful to be spending this Thanksgiving with my family. Here. On Earth. I have no doubts that Thanksgiving in heaven is glorious, but I have no burning desire to partake of it there just yet. 😊

So, what else am I thankful for?  A beautiful autumn. It's a common complaint among Canadians that we basically have 2 seasons, summer and winter, with a 2-week transition between the two, both in spring and fall. This year has been different. My tomatoes are still growing in the garden, not ripening while suspended from the garage ceiling, my flowers haven't yet received notice that they should be shutting things down and are absolutely gorgeous, even the lawn still looks good! As someone who is distinctly solar-powered, sunny days are a necessity. Even this past week, when the room was spinning, I was chatting on the "great white telephone," and I felt so miserable I longed for the oblivion of sleep, the thought crossed my mind, "This would be so much worse if it was cold and gloomy outside." And so I am extremely grateful for the reprieve from winter this balmy autumn has given us. Yes, I know snow is coming, but it's actually welcome once the Thanksgiving decorations have been packed away! ☃

Okay, this is going to make me sound even more bonkers than anything I've said previously, but I'm grateful for my cancer. No, not the tumor, nor any cancer cells within my body; I'm still at war with them, but I'm thankful for the good that's come as a result of my diagnosis. I would never, ever, not even in a gazillion years wish a cancer diagnosis on anyone...well, maybe a certain Russian leader, but I digress...👼 However, there have been many positives that are a direct result of my cancer. Allow me to explain before you call 211. (Mental Health Crises Line, in case you were wondering...😁) As I reviewed my mental list of items for which I'm grateful, I realized that, other than the weather, they are all related to my diagnosis. 

For example...

I'm grateful for the incredible team at my husband's office. I seriously miss going to work with hubby, taking on insurance companies, AISH, or anyone else who has dared to reduce his patients' quality of life. And no, it's not just getting dressed up in pretty clothes every day; I could do that at home too. (Nope, actually, that's not true. There are some days that changing out of my jammies is a struggle, but whatever...😏) Thankfully, things are still humming along at the office and I look forward to returning sometime in the new year, once I've completed radiation treatment. I knew we had a good team before my diagnosis, but watching them pull together has been a thing of beauty. And I am now even more convinced that my position at the office was a good fit for me! (That sound you just heard was hubby's huge sigh of relief! 🌬) I'm also incredibly thankful that I'm able to take this time off without suffering huge financial repercussions, though I'm still waiting for my Critical Illness insurance payout...😑

I'm thankful for the comforts I previously took for granted. Do you have a comfy bed, nice linens, and clothes that don't scratch or itch? That sounds like a rather inane question until you spend hours in bed and realize that scratchy clothes and/or linens can make your life very, very uncomfortable when your skin is persnickety. Oh, no worries, I spend hours on the couch as well, which is almost as comfy as the bed! (I actually spent part of my first night at home post-ICU on the couch, as I could angle myself up a bit better and found breathing easier than while lying down! True story! 🤷🏻‍♀️) 

I am thankful for my family in ways I never anticipated. From sending articles to my eldest in med school, ("What does this mean in English?"), to having my own personal nurse/chef, ("Heather, are you overdoing it?!?"), to having my own Mr. Fixit/Jack-of-all-trades/IT Geek who willingly attends to his mother's whims, ("Yes, this is a strange request, but...") I am seriously blessed. As a typical mom, I prefer to serve my children, rather than be served by them, however, the past several months have reassured me that I didn't raise a bunch of monsters. 😁 Phew! 

I often say that this whole experience has been harder on my hubby than on me, and I stand by that. I can fight. I'm at war. It's much more difficult to watch from the sidelines, knowing that all you can do is be supportive, but hubby has certainly been there for me. I remember when he slipped and broke his leg several years ago. I came home from the hospital that night and bawled, thinking that life was so unfair as to give my husband a broken leg! Watching your wife fight cancer is probably worse. I would think so, anyway. 🤔

Marigan definitely believes in the "you eat with your eyes" 

mantra and applied it to meal planning one weekend. This, however, was

not a one-time thing but has become the norm. I don't mind at all! 

(Yes, those are homemade falafels! 😋)

Speaking of familial support, I had no idea that my "family" was so large. Honestly, the level of support has been overwhelming, in a good way! I've kept every card sent to me and taped them to my front entryway closet door. If there's one thing I've learned, it's the power of a supportive word. Be it via text, DM, card, or email, knowing that people are thinking of you is very humbling. Last Wednesday there was a "heavenly accident" and the live stream was left on during the last prayer. Now, you have to understand that my father-in-law was leading the service and that I'd just had an infusion on Monday and was in the throes of the worst of the side effects; he was concerned! But hearing people pray for me reduced me to tears of gratitude and made me so incredibly thankful to belong to a family that can intercede for each other in times of need. Did I immediately feel better? Well, not physically perhaps, but I did feel like I'd had my emotional/spiritual batteries recharged. And that's huge when you're in a long drawn-out battle such as cancer. Other people have demonstrated support in physical ways by delivering meals, helping out with gardening, or sending gift cards. These are also greatly appreciated and something I've committed to emulating once I'm able.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      A pretty impressive display of support, I say!

Can I just go back to prayer again? (Too bad, you can't argue with me, I have a cancer card! 😁) 

                                                                                                                                                                                You thought I was joking?  Nope. I have a bonafide, Amazon original cancer card! 😁

On Thursday I was having a rough day. Day 4 has typically been my hardest day post-infusion, and last week was no exception. I awoke feeling "off" and promptly threw up my morning medications. After a bit of a nap, I was still having issues keeping anything down, including water. My 4 sisters and I have a Facebook group where we keep each other updated. I requested prayer at around 1 pm and my older sister posted the following a few minutes later: 

        "Dear Jesus, please touch Heather's body and restore her fluid levels 

without an IV infusion. Leaving the house is so hard for her at this point, 

so I'm asking you to put your holy healing hand on my sister again. 

In Jesus's name, Amen."

I didn't throw up again. 😳 I wasn't feeling particularly peachy, but I certainly felt much better and was able to eat some pudding and, get this, some Indian food from Tiffin. (If you haven't tried it, you're missing out!) If that isn't a miraculous answer to prayer, I'm not sure I can show you one! I mean, seriously? Tiffin Indian food?!? (Just to explain - during the week following an infusion I eat whenever and whatever I feel I can keep down. I have this unnerving tendency to lose weight during this week and so if I feel like eating Doritos, I will eat Doritos, even if it's 7:30 in the morning! My daughter sighs and says it's like raising a toddler...😜) This is not the only time I've felt the power of prayer, though the most powerful intervention is probably when I was unaware that I even needed prayer! I'm convinced I was "prayed back" from the need for intervention via ECMO after my surgery.

So, now it's confession time. I'm not Catholic and have never been to confession, but I imagine it goes something like this: "Actually...things are not as they appear." 😖 You see, in the time just prior to my diagnosis, while I was definitely a Christian, I was not necessarily always a happy one. I had kinda' lost some of my joy. By that, I mean that I had allowed the actions of some who called themselves Christians to interfere with my own personal relationship with God. In a word, I was disillusioned. I couldn't believe that we could all claim to be serving the same God when they were, according to me, acting so. very. badly. (Details are irrelevant; this was a "me problem." 😊) After my diagnosis, I realized that what others do is between them and God and should not affect my own personal walk, and by allowing them to do so I was giving them much more power than they ever deserved. I had also been somewhat slipshod in my own obedience, but of course, since I was behaving "better than they are" I was okay, right? Wrong. That's toddler logic and not how it works. (I try to keep the toddler stuff confined to naps and eating habits.) 💥 News flash! 💥 Only you are responsible for your actions. No one can "make" you do something you aren't willing to do! It's really quite simple, yet mind-bendingly complex, in that our desires have to be aligned with God's before that can actually happen in any meaningful way. Thankfully, during the services with Pastor Nathan Leasure prior to my surgery, I had taken inventory of my life and realized that I needed to make some amends. It's to God's glory that I was able to do this before my "home by noon" surgery that almost landed me at the pearly gates. I know I was prepared to meet Jesus, had that been His will, though I'm grateful it wasn't!

Things are different now. Oh, I'm no saint, nor will I ever be, 👼 but I have a stronger desire to spend time with Jesus and His Word than ever before. Have I just been scared into "living right?" Nah. I'm not like that. I'm more inclined to rebel against the expected and go my own way, so that's definitely not it. No, this can only be described as a renewed awareness and humble gratefulness that God sent His Son to save MY life. (He didn't send Himself, that would have been too easy - I can't imagine sending my child into harm to save someone else, deserving or not! 😳)  A friend sent me the song below, "Thank You, Jesus, For the Blood," by Charity Gayle. (Watch right to the end!) I don't get very far into it before I'm overwhelmed with tears of gratitude. And that's why I'm grateful that cancer saved my life. Without this awakening, I wouldn't be where I am now, and yes, despite having cancer, enjoying this earthly walk with Jesus. You see, life doesn't end with our earthly death; I look forward to spending eternity with my best friend, Jesus, in heaven. Death has no sting, glory to His name! 

I was a wretch

I remember who I was

I was lost, I was blind

I was running out of time

Sin separated

The breach was far too wide

But from the far side of the chasm

You held me in your sight

So You made a way

Across the great divide

Left behind Heaven's throne

To build it here inside

And there at the cross

You paid the debt I owed

Broke my chains, freed my soul

For the first time I had hope

You took my place

Laid inside my tomb of sin

You were buried for three days

But then You walked right out again

And now death has no sting

And life has no end

For I have been transformed

By the blood of the lamb

There is nothing stronger

Than the wonder-working power of the blood

The blood

That calls us sons and daughters

We are ransomed by our Father

Through the blood

The blood

Thank You, Jesus, for the blood applied

Thank You, Jesus, it has washed me white

Thank You, Jesus, You have saved my life

Brought me from the darkness into glorious light

Glory to His name

Glory to His name

There to my heart was the blood applied

Glory to His name