The Great Fallout (Post #24)

 

So I shaved my head on Tuesday night. 😖 Yes, it was hard and yes, I cried. I did it outside, deliberately allowing the hair to fall to the ground with hopes that some animal could make use of it. (As long as it's not a mouse in my house! 🐀) Thankfully, I was expecting the "Great Fallout," though I'm not sure that made it a whole lot easier. Honestly, I would have been a bit ticked if my hair hadn't fallen out and I'd cut off my beautiful locks in vain! But no, docetaxel makes your hair fall out. Period. I'm glad my hair was already much shorter and my husband is even more delighted. He lovingly cleaned up the "scene of the crime" which happened to be the bathtub where I was enjoying a soak until I wasn't. I didn't have much warning. Yes, I'd noticed an increase in shedding, but running my hands through my hair (something I did frequently) didn't result in "hair gloves." So now, despite cutting Stefan's hair last night, my hair is the shortest in the family! 

Exactly what I will do moving forward regarding head coverings remains to be seen.  I am wearing a knit cap (completed just in time) to bed; I am so cold! I have my "I wanna look normal" wig which I wore to my appointments yesterday. No one believed me that it was a wig, so, of course, I'm delighted with that. However, what I will wear around the house may depend on my mood. I have a couple cheapo wigs from Amazon that are good enough for home and not too uncomfortable, (though all wigs itch, at least on my head) and I purchased a couple of bamboo hats/chemo caps/toques as well. I guess the question is whether I'm vain enough to wear a wig most of the time. (Methinks the answer is yes...😬) I'm looking at the positives. (Of course, I am! 🤪) When they say that your hair falls out, they mean ALL your hair falls out, as in, no body part is excluded. Does anyone want any razors? I'm not going to miss them! 😁

So what do I look like baldish? (I used the 1/8“ guide since I can't risk nicking myself.) Well...

Yes, I have aged. That's a common complaint/side effect of chemo. 

I've never had dry skin before, but wow! I certainly do now! 

Also, no hair means no covering up of wrinkles. 👩🏻‍🦲

I'm a reverse skunk! The stubble along both sides of my head is a beautiful silver that sparkles and shines, while the stubble on top of my head is a mousy brown. I had two people tell me that I could "rock the bald look" so we'll see how it goes. 😜

With the exception of today, (migraine + "funny tummy"=😖) over the past couple of days, I've felt more like BC Heather of old (BC=before cancer) than before this whole journey began. Oh sure, I still battle mouth and nose sores, my skin is weird, my hair is falling out, my taste buds have mutinied, and I get random pains, but I feel more like me. (Okay, that makes me sound certifiable. I'm always so amazed at how our bodies adapt to unpleasant circumstances!) I think it's because I actually have a bit of energy and feel capable of tackling projects that have an anticipated duration of more than 10 minutes. This is progress!

Over the past couple of days:

• I picked a huge bowl (I mean huge!) of green beans and made Greek Beans with them. (So yummy!) 
• I used garden produce to create a delicious fresh salsa.
• I made several "more than one pot" suppers, including using ingredients from our farm such as fresh baby potatoes, green beans, and roast beef. 
• I baked cinnamon buns. 
• I knitted 5 chemo caps. 
• I grated a huge zucchini in preparation for baking Lemon Poppy Seed Loaves.

This may not sound like much, but this is an incredible improvement over last week, and definitely over the week following my first chemo infusion. Here is a list of things I got done during that time period:

•  laundry

Oh sure, my energy is kinda like a battery-powered vacuum; I'll be chugging along, happy to be productive when suddenly it's like the red light comes on: "Battery dangerously low. Charge battery immediately." Suddenly, I'm exhausted and when I force myself to continue, the outcome is not worth those extra minutes of supposed productivity. So I'm learning to take my body's warning signals a bit more seriously. This is not a strength of mine; I'm much better at powering through, at least I was before this whole journey started. 😕

Interesting observation: with my return to "busyness," I find my interactions with God waning. Oh, I don't need Him less, I just tend to forget about Him as my activity level increases. Obviously, this is not a good thing, and I've found myself thinking of ways to deliberately counteract this tendency. Here are a few:

• Focus on the Family is a wonderful resource for podcasts, broadcasts, and more. 
• If you're a fan of the TV series "Poirot," (or just enjoy hearing a beautiful voice with an English accent) you may be interested to know that David Suchet (who plays Poirot) has narrated the entire Bible, which is available on the Bible app. Just look for the NIVUK version and enjoy. You're welcome. 😊
• I'm trying to actively memorize more scripture...which is perhaps not the greatest idea when dealing with chemo brain. 😬 
• I've gone back to old playlists and rediscovered some beautiful music including the song I've linked below. 

Songs in the Night

Tough times are right before my eyes

So close they make it hard to see

Much beyond myself and where You're leading me

Dark skies as I lie awake in silence once again I find

The battles all about where I set my mind

So 'till a new day finally comes

I'll think on all the mighty things You've done.

Each time life brings me to my knees

I will pour out my heart to You

And run into Your Word

For Your promises are true

And even though it doesn't feel You're close

I'll trust You with me still.

This will be my song in my darkest hour

more than my own strength

I'll trust in Your power.

And I will sing songs in the night

While in a time of so little light

I'll recall your goodness, your faithfulness

And the great things in my life

These will be, these will be

My songs in the night.

So, fun fact, my taste buds are completely messed up. I mentioned this is my last post, but here are some specifics:

• Everything tastes metallic, including water, or perhaps I should say, especially water. It's disgusting. You know that feeling when you're enjoying a piece of Toblerone and don't notice that there's a piece of foil in your next bite until it's too late?  Yeah, it's like that, except that you can't just spit out the foil. Weight gain will not be an issue unless this changes. Even my saliva is gross. (Sorry, TMI...😁)
• Meat has no flavor, including our own usually-almost-too-flavorful-grass-fed beef. It's like eating cardboard. So I thought I'd jazz it up with horse radish...except that instead of being spicy and hot, it tasted like jam. It was quite hilarious!
• My Greek green beans were delicious! I couldn't figure out how nothing else was tasty, yet the green beans were so flavorful...until I looked at the ingredients in the Greek seasoning container. Yup, good ole' MSG to the rescue. So I'm torn. Of course, I'm trying to eat a healthy diet, yet nothing tastes right unless it contains MSG! Recent reports regarding MSG show that it may not be as bad as initially thought, especially since it occurs naturally in many foods. (Also, Maggi sauce = basically pure MSG!) Some people are sensitive to it and will experience adverse reactions, but it's basically harmless for most of us...I hope. Anyway, my grocery order has a bottle of Maggi on it!
• So I guess it boils down to this: the more additives, the more likely it will taste "right." Except for fountain drinks; they're just plain bad. Bizarre.

I have my first post-chemo blood test tomorrow morning, followed by an appointment with my oncologist. I am really wondering how my white blood cells have fared. I'm hoping the Neulasta did what it was supposed to and boosted their production, thereby keeping my immune system at least somewhat healthy. I participated in a Look Good, Feel Better workshop tonight and learned that I should be using disposable applicators for everything that goes on my skin and can't be applied using clean hands. Oh boy, I hadn't even thought of that! Cancer is really, really bad for the environment. If I'm not polluting the earth with my toxic bodily fluids, I'm throwing away hordes of garbage! 🤦🏻‍♀️ So excuse me, I need to go place yet another Amazon order...🙄