In the Eye of the Storm (Post #17)

 

I’m thankful to report that my recovery from the last procedure is going well. 😊 If I overdo things, “the wasps” threaten to return, but I’m generally very pleased with how little pain I’ve had. I still find my lack of endurance annoying and spend too much time holding down the couch, but then I remember that I couldn’t even walk on my own a month ago and I’m grateful to be doing so well.  

At the beginning of my cancer journey, my husband read the biblical story found in Mark 4*, of how Jesus calmed the storm while crossing the sea of Galilee with his disciples. Looking back, I must say that the past several months have felt not too dissimilar to a storm. Just as a “furious squall” came up, so did complications with my second biopsy resulting in a hematoma which delayed my surgery, and then, of course, with my surgery itself, where my lungs decided to take up underwater basket weaving instead of breathing, necessitating a 6 day stay in ICU. 🤕 As the patient who doesn’t remember very much about the experience, it’s easy for me to discount the severity of what happened. After all, how many times are you told “We almost lost you several times.” Okay, okay, so I may have heard those words before, but they referred to my childhood propensity to run off to the toy or candy aisle while shopping with my mom, not an aberrant desire for a potentially heavenly excursion.

When Jesus calmed the storm, he used the words “Be still!” These words have become a recurrent mantra in my mind. During times of great activity, it can be difficult to slow down enough to take the time necessary to be still. During times of forced rest (post-surgery recovery), the need to “be still” extends beyond the physical realm and reaches into our hearts, even as we battle impatience with delays and a medical system that while run by amazing humans, is run by exactly that, humans. They get sick (one pathologist caught Covid which delayed my previous pathology results by a week) and they really shouldn’t be working the number of hours they do! However, I’m grateful that we have such a wonderful healthcare system, despite its flaws, even if it is forcing a period of stillness upon me as I wait. 

I downloaded an app at the request of my hematologist, who uses it to communicate with his patients. It’s linked with ConnectCare and allows access to your medical records going back several years. Most of my records before May of 2022 were pretty boring. Yes, there was the pathology from my melanoma removal surgery and several subsequent mole removals, but nothing of any real importance, at least compared to recent entries, that is. Marigan was interested in some of the medical information and read through some of my test results. To hear things like “Your blood sugar level was 27” 😲 brings home just how sick I was, as at my last pre-surgery testing it was 5.6. (Normal is 4-7.) Then there was the 30% oxygen saturation I had prior to intubation. (Normal is over 95%, which would explain my difficulty breathing!) So yes, seeing the majority of my test results with the accompanying red flag demonstrating abnormality was not only weird but makes my hubby’s behavior easier to understand. (Think mother cow with new calf…🐄)

On Friday, Ken had the day off, and not having enough energy to clean up and prepare the RV, coupled with the need to return for doctor’s appointments, made us decide to vacation a bit closer to home this year, and so we went to Beaumont. (Driving over bumpy roads is not my favorite activity at present, and Beaumont is only 10 minutes from our home.) The businesses in Beaumont have done a fantastic job of making it a desirable place to eat and shop, and Ken and I were enjoying gourmet sandwiches at an outdoor table when he got all sappy and with no small amount of emotion said, “Isn’t this just so nice? I can’t believe I’m sitting here with you!” I may have looked at him in some confusion thinking “I mean, Beaumont has come a long way, but seriously? You love Beaumont, Alberta that much? 😏” I sometimes forget that a month ago, outings such as these felt like a pipe dream. These reminders are excellent checkpoints, even as we wait out this current “eye of the storm” interval. 

In the “eye of the storm” is where Ken and I currently find ourselves. The surgeries are (hopefully) behind us, and while that was a much more exciting time than ever imagined, God brought us through those challenges. So now as we wait for our appointment with our oncologist it feels as though this period of anticipation is the eye of the storm. You know the storm isn’t over, but there’s a period of blessed relief from actively battling against the elements. Unfortunately, it’s not always sunny in the “eye of the storm.” I may have mentioned that I’m not fond of waiting… This is what I find most challenging during this time. I awoke yesterday to a notification on my phone, stating that I had a new test result posted in my medical file. Of course, I thought that it must be my latest pathology results and quickly logged in. Nope. Some weird computer glitch sent out the alert by mistake; my pathology results are still outstanding. 

Ryan Stevenson says it well in the chorus of his song In the Eye of the Storm:

In the eye of the storm 

You remain in control 

In the middle of the war

You guard my soul

You alone are the anchor

When my sails are torn

Your love surrounds me 

In the eye of the storm 

The Bible mentions the need to be still in multiple places:

“The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be still.”  Exodus 14:14

“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;” Psalm 37:7a

And then, of course, there is the most commonly known verse:

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10

These are just a few of the many passages that exhort us to be still and trust God with whatever we’re currently going through. As we wait for the beginning of the next part of the storm (chemo) I’m so glad for these reminders of God’s faithfulness. Is it easy to remain upbeat and positive at all times? No. Definitely not. My personality lends itself to a more positive perspective in general, but please don’t think that I don’t struggle with the unfairness of a cancer diagnosis, and all the baggage that comes with it. I may just have to change my name to Jacob, with the amount of wrestling I’ve done with God. As a matter of fact, an overcast day + lack of coffee + not a great night’s sleep = Eeyore day, rather than a Pollyanna day. Some days it’s just a little harder to find joy. And that’s okay. It’s kind of like a marriage; some days you may be giddy, bubbling with loving emotions, 😍 and other days you know you love your spouse, you just might not like them very much. (Of course, I’m not speaking from experience. What a notion!😜)

However, through this all I’m reminded that He is still God. His plan is still perfect. And so I will Praise Him in This Storm, as sung by Natalie Grant: (Yup, this is the current song on loop in my brain.)

I was sure by now, God, You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say amen

And it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry You raised me up again

My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on

If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of heaven and earth

You are my help

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

Cause You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm, yeah

I will praise, I will praise You in this storm

I will praise You in this storm

Praise You in this storm

I will praise You in this storm

---

*Mark 4:35-40

That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” He got up, rebuked the wind, and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”