Warning: Emotions Ahead! (Post #14)
Trigger warning: This post contains a lot of mushy, gooey, often messy emotions. If raw authenticity gives you hives, you might want to give this post a pass. 😊 I don't hold back!
I heard from a friend today who will be joining me on my cancer journey; she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. I think my heart broke a little, knowing what lies ahead of her, though not everyone has to complicate absolutely everything in their life, the way I apparently do. 😊
Just to be clear, I am not looking for companionship on this journey!
I would have been happy to walk it alone, following in the footsteps of those who have gone before me and have welcomed me to “the club you never wanted to join.” Having said that, I am more than willing to walk alongside anyone who needs support on their own cancer journey.
For this post, I thought I’d go back to try to explain the emotional part of the journey, as experienced by me, a Mennonite not very good at dealing with messy emotions. 😏
The first emotion I felt when told of my test abnormality was denial. My family doctor likes to say “d’Nile is a lovely place to visit, but you don’t want to live there.” Well, I’m very good at living there. After all, I’d done everything “right.” I breastfed all three kids, used aluminum-free organic deodorant, was a healthy-ish weight, and forgot to do my self-breast exams. Whoopsie, okay, so the last item was not "right," but in my defense, just weeks before my abnormal testing showed cancer, my family doctor did not notice anything unusual during my annual physical.
The real wake-up call came when I asked the radiologist what the chances were of my biopsy coming back as cancerous and she said “95%.” That’s when I emotionally shut down. I went into my “get’er done” mode and concentrated on doing all the things I needed to do to advance my treatment. Of course, I cried. Every time I told someone I had cancer I cried. At least until I was tired of feeling soggy and went into an almost catatonic state. I deliberately turned off my emotions, since experiencing them was exhausting, and so I just existed in a state of numbness. However, during this time, even the Mennonite part of me recognized that this was not a healthy coping mechanism and I’d use music as a catalyst to come back to the land of the living. My previous blogs are peppered with songs that God used to minister to me when nothing else would get through. I still have to fight against this tendency towards apathetic stoicism; sometimes, it's just easier to not feel! 😑
Another emotion that would threaten to overtake me at times, and yes, was sometimes successful in getting me down, was “Why bother? Why try to remain positive? Why go through all this pain and stress on my family if I’m going to die anyway?” See, Pollyanna has down days too! Did I mention that I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression in 2005 and have been on meds ever since? 😬 No? Hmmm, yeah, well, there’s that. It certainly can complicate matters to know that you have a propensity toward less than totally great mental health. "But you didn't ever look depressed?!?" Are you sure? What does depression look like? 🤔 It's different for everyone. For me, it was the realization that I had turned into an "angry Mama" that was my catalyst to seek help. Thankfully, I have a great doctor and together with my fantastic pharmacist, I feel very well cared for, which means that I feel as “normal” as I’m going to get…whatever normal is.🤪 For those of you who are feeling distinctly uncomfortable with this "oversharing", hold onto your hats.
(Pulls out the soapbox and jumps on top.)
We need to end the stigma against mental health disorders and acknowledge that they are not only as common as Type 2 diabetes but less avoidable. 📣 Seriously! Yes, I’m aware that there are extenuating circumstances, and as someone with a family history of Type 2 diabetes, I recognize that I may need to eat my words some day, but while a healthy diet and exercise can often keep Type 2 diabetes away, they will not protect against depression, nor cure it. (And yes, I’m aware that God is still in the business of healing. Been there, done that, I even wrote a blog post about it. 😁) You wouldn’t tell a diabetic to trash their meds and pray instead, would you? Or try to shame them into not taking them? Similarly, you cannot pray yourself out of depression, and neither can you “healthfully eat” your way out of depression. (If you believe this, you have never been truly depressed and should be thanking God every day.) Depression sucks, but it doesn’t have to ruin your life. Sometimes meds are the only thing that works to treat depression, just like a diabetic needs their medication regularly.
(Hops down and puts the soap box away.)
So where was God in 2005, when I crashed emotionally? Right beside me. He led me to the right doctor, who understood my situation and set me back on the road to health. And thankfully, these negative types of thoughts are kind of like spring in Alberta, they don’t last long and are easily forgotten, though, like spring, they will return. It’s important to remember that while we can’t choose the thoughts that flit through our minds, we can choose to either dismiss them or ruminate on them. Obviously, this is easier said than done; thankfully prayer does help!
One emotion I experienced that is probably specific to me, is a feeling of being affronted that cancer would have the audacity to show up in MY life. How incredibly rude! I have an amazing life and feel like I always have. I had fantastic teachers throughout school, married an incredible guy when I was very, very young, had 3 healthy kids with whom I was blessed to stay home, and while my life has never been perfect, it’s been pretty close. So when cancer showed up I was sure there must have been a mistake. For the first time, I met a foe who is unmoved by both the charm of my personality and the force of my will. (Yes, I know that this makes me sound like a princess…) 👸🏼
Very closely related to this emotion is a feeling of betrayal. I think we all take our bodies for granted to an extent. We eat, might exercise…or not, sleep when we can, and expect them to run like a finely tuned European import. When you receive the diagnosis of cancer, you feel as though your body has turned on you, failing you in the most treasonous way. When I speak of the affected breast, I not-so-fondly call it the “Traitor Boobie,” because that’s how I feel - betrayed! After all the things I'd done for her...🙄
Some people prefer to avoid using the terms “battle or fight” in reference to cancer. I’m not one of them. To me, this is an outright war against the cancer cells in my body. I’ve always been competitive. Growing up, telling me I was incapable of doing something was akin to waving the proverbial red flag before the bull. 🐮 “You think I can’t memorize all the Bible verses needed to go to summer camp for free in one week? Ha! Watch this!” However, this cancer battle is intensely personal. I feel as though an enemy (cancer cells) has infiltrated the troops (my body). Little did I know that by sharing my journey via this blog, I would mobilize a huge army of prayer warriors who have taken up my cause. Honestly, it moves me to tears, knowing that your prayers probably saved my life, and have certainly made it much more pleasant.
You won’t be surprised to hear that an emotion I commonly encounter is anxiety. So what about that “peace that passes understanding” that I mentioned a while back? It’s still there, but it doesn’t preclude the occasional appearance of some anxious thoughts. I’ll admit that the thought of another surgery, albeit under local, doesn’t exactly thrill my soul, but then I remind myself that I am not the author of my own story; I’ve handed the pen over to God, as I firmly believe He does a much better job of writing my biography.
Surprisingly, an emotion that has been a gift throughout the last couple of months is gratitude. Despite my own personal trials, I’m well aware that there are others who have it much worse than I. I have a supportive family and a great husband. I have so many people encouraging me! I’m able to take a year off work without too many negative repercussions, well, I cringe to think of what the kitchen looks like… I have fantastic doctors and the Comprehensive Breast Care Program is amazing. And I have a God who draws near when I need Him. And oh, how I’ve needed Him. My strength is rather pitiful at times, so I’m grateful I’m not forced to rely on it alone. Recently, I heard the song “Leaning,” by Matt Maher and was again overwhelmed by the goodness of God. I’m so glad I can lean on Him. 🥰
If I rise or fall
If I stand at all
I am leaning on Your everlasting arms
What a fellowship
What a joy divine
What a priceless gift
God, I'm Yours and You are mine
Let my restless soul
Be still and know
I am leaning on Your everlasting arms
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