So...anyone feel like joining me in a closet purge, landscaping binge, or painting frenzy? Looks like I have a bit of time on my hands, as my surgery has been rescheduled for June 29th, two weeks from today, rather than June 17th, two days from today. The response of my two youngest children was rather hilarious - "Oh no, what's she going to "nest" now!" No worries, I have plans...😊
The good news is, that I do not have Von Willebrand's. (We received the results of the test on the way to our appointment this morning; phew!) I do have some kind of bleeding disorder, which has yet to be determined, but it's not going to interfere with my surgery...probably...hopefully. 😬
The bad news is that Dr. Olson is not convinced that operating at this time is the best path forward. My hematoma is still rather large and would probably interfere with his ability to see the margins of what he wants to excise. (Pro-tip: do not look up "excising margins" if you've recently eaten!) He's also worried that the cosmetic result would be less than desirable. Meanwhile, I'm thinking "But, but...it's cancer! Don't you want to get it out?" 😳 Actually, I feel like I'm currently harboring a fugitive whose only goal is to kill me. This is rather unpleasant and I find myself doing completely irrational things like not breathing deeply, for "fear of making my cancer spread." 😏 Wow. That sounds even more ridiculous written out! Did I mention that there is a huge mental health aspect to receiving a cancer diagnosis? 😬 No worries, I don't plan to delve into that tonight!
I am not a patient person by nature. (I heard that collective snort, darling sisters...😏) If you've ever had the misfortune of sitting near me during a lecture/church service, you know I twitch, wiggle, and swing my legs with the best of the terrible toddlers. I walk fast, I talk fast, and my brain, well, even the Shinkansen train in Japan couldn't keep up. So to be told that there would be a delay was a bit of a blow. I had everything planned for this Friday! Tomorrow I was going to wash my bedding and towels, weed the garden, and make sure I had everything set up on my bedside table. Now what? Not only do I want to get this whole treatment thing started so it can be over, but what am I going to do with my husband all day Friday!!
Oh, and that "peace that passes understanding?" Yeah, it was a bit rattled. (I promised honesty!) I found myself "arguing" with God, reminding Him how wonderfully the 17th had fit into our plans, not requiring a lot of patient rebooking, coinciding with my personal nurse's days off, etc. Then a still, small voice stirred within me, "So it was all for show? You had a wonderful feeling, blogged about it and now it's gone, as soon as things get difficult?" Oy. I knew I needed to search my soul a bit.
One quirk of mine is that I have a constant musical soundtrack playing in the back of my mind. (Please tell me I'm not the only one; I know it sounds bonkers...😬) This can be great, such as when I hear songs of comfort and encouragement, and not so great when I get an "ear-worm" song I can't ditch; "I love you, you love me..." (Sorry!) And no, I have no control over the content, unless I sing or listen to music. Well, on our way home from our appointment, my "soundtrack" started playing the following song. What's interesting is that I'd never actually read the lyrics. Apparently, God had, and He knew just what I needed to restore the inexplicable peace only He can give:
Here we go again, my mind racing
And I can't seem to win
All these crazy thoughts and feelings
It's like it never ends
Until Your voice breaks through my noise
And I know I'm not alone, not alone
You will fight my battles
If I will just be still
Why would I keep running
When You're right here?
I'll just be quiet
And let You speak through the silence
Here I am, no more hiding
You are in this moment, I won't fight it
I'll be quiet
I don't need to know what comes next
Tomorrow's in Your hands
I can trust You with my future
'Cause You're already there
I hear Your voice call me forward
And I know I'm not alone, not alone
Away with the distractions
I wanna hear what's true
The only words that matter
They come from You
I'll just be quiet
And let You speak through the silence
Here I am, no more hiding
You are in this moment, I won't fight it
I'll be quiet
Ever since I had received the call from the doctor's office on Tuesday, rescheduling my surgery, the verse from Exodus 14:13 & 14 kept running through my head:
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."
Uh-huh. And if you're not good at being still? If frenetic activity is your default? "Being still" doesn't mean you become a couch potato; it's an emotional or spiritual state. Remember when your children were small and as soon as they spotted a playground, they'd hand you their coats, bags, and whatever other treasures they'd been holding? It's like that, except that you hand over your worries and fears to God, rather than trying to manage the "playground" of life while burdened.
I find that I have a tendency to forget the first part of this verse, "The Lord will fight for you..." I have a big brother, and by that, I mean 5 years older and 11 inches taller, which was wonderful as a puny kid. It was less wonderful for the unfortunate people who hurt me, right Robbie? (No worries, he was fine. Just needed to change his pants, but was unharmed. 😁) My brother never had to "fight" for me, but I knew he would if necessary. If that was a source of immense comfort and security as a child, how much more should it be to know that my Lord, my Creator, and King of the World will fight for me? Cue another song I didn't realize I knew:
When the going gets tough
And my strength's not enough
I see You showing up like never before
This battle for my heart
You took on from the start
You are the peace when my mind's at war
You will never stop fighting for me
When I can't fight for myself
Every word is a promise You keep
'Cause You love me like nobody else
You stand up for me in the darkest night
When my faith is weak You're still by my side
You will never stop fighting for me
You will never stop fighting for me
In the perfect timing, You make all things right...
So when I'm tempted to fret, I'm reminded, "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:27) God's got this. I just need to be still.
Spot the difference! In my distraction this morning, I donned one
gardening shoe and one new loafer. 🙈 Hopefully, you can tell which is which.
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