Even Mennonite Pollyannas Have Off Days (Post #5)

 

Pillows in my home, conspiring to keep me from extended grouchiness.

I was grouchy yesterday, as in, "Mama needs to go into Time Out" kind of grouchy. On June 2, 2022, I donated blood at the Strathcona Community Hospital...okay, okay, so I actually had blood drawn for tests, but after 10 vials 😱 I couldn't believe that they didn't even offer me a cookie! So when the hematologist told us that he needed more blood drawn yesterday, I was less than impressed. Good thing I don't believe in vampires, or I might be getting suspicious...

I'm not entirely sure where the notion originates, but I think I can hear my mother's voice telling me to "count my blessings" whenever I was feeling grouchy as a child.  Of course, that was incredibly helpful and I immediately began listing off the many wonderful things in my life as I skipped along my way, beaming with joy and gratitude...or not. 😬 Being told to count my blessings seemed to have an antithetical response with the resultant behavior more along the lines of muttering under my breath while rolling my eyes so hard I did my own brain scan. I'd love to say that I've completely outgrown this tendency, but...Exodus 20:16. 😊 Thankfully, with God's grace, I am now able to cut that reaction short, and contain it within my head. The ensuing discussion I have with myself might be very entertaining if you happen to stop next to me at a light, but I have improved! 

And I truly have reason to count my blessings. While this cancer journey is not one I would ever have chosen (duh...) I have chosen to believe that there is good on this path. Some practical things I'm grateful for:

• Despite AHS not recommending mammograms for women until age 50 (unless they have a history of breast cancer, which I don't) my family doctor started ordering them for me when I turned 40. She probably saved my life.
• The techs where I had my ultrasound and mammogram were terrific; I'm grateful they caught the abnormality. 
• The staff at the Breast Clinic on 109 St were so compassionate and caring; they made the start of this journey less scary.
• While waiting for the radiologist to perform my first biopsy, the ultrasound tech did a lymph node scan rather than just hanging around. This meant that we could already radiologically rule out lymph node involvement. (Doesn't mean the cancer isn't in my nodes, but it's not visible on the ultrasound, and that's reassuring.)
• They also caught my second tumor while doing the first biopsy. This had been previously undetected, despite being much larger than the first tumor. (Position is weird.)
• The Comprehensive Breast Care Program is amazing! I have a Nurse Navigator, named Lindsay, who is so reassuring and helpful.
• I was able to get in to see the amazing Dr. Olson quite quickly.
• Cancer care has improved greatly over the past decades. This means that my treatment is more targeted and thus more successful, even if it has its own pronouns. 😊 

Oh, right, that reminds me, my surgery date has been moved up!  I'm now scheduled to have surgery on Friday morning, June 17th. I'll be either the first or second patient that morning and should be home by noon. (Yikes! 😲) 

On a more personal level, I have even more for which to be thankful.

• I have an amazing family. Both sides of our extended family are supporting us in prayer and deeds. We are so appreciative of all they do. 
• I married a pretty great guy. So over the years, the whole mystique and wonder of being married to a neurologist kinda' lost its shine. 😉 I mean, I have to put his socks in the hamper every. single. day. But though the job means long hours, not a little stress, and constant interruptions to family life, it also means that we belong to another family, the medical family. And they take care of their own. No, I'm not "queue jumping" or bowling anyone out of line, the physicians involved in my care are doing so on their own time, after hours. Not only are they lending their expertise, but they are supporting my hubby as well, and to me, that's important. When you marry a doctor, you marry someone who is a "fixer," someone whose career involves making things right for their patients, solving mysterious illnesses, and improving their quality of life. So when your wife gets cancer and you can't do anything, it's a blow.
• My kids turned out okay! And yes, that exclamation mark is deliberate. Honestly, for as long as I can recall, my greatest desire was to be a good wife and mom. Not just a wife and mom, but a good wife and mom. When I think back to when my kids were younger, there were days I was sure someone would be visiting someone in prison. I just wasn't sure whether it would be them visiting me or vice versa! I'm relieved to say that the only visits to jails have been field trips...so far. Seriously though, my oldest son is doing well in med school and is currently the family expert on cancer, having just studied a rather "too long" session on oncology. He's also coming home for summer! My daughter is a nurse who doesn't hesitate to "nurse" her mother around when she thinks she knows better. "Heather, should you be doing that? I don't think so!" (It's weird hearing yourself coming out of your kid's mouth...and no worries, she usually calls me mom; "Heather" is reserved for nursing me around.) She is also currently working casual and is, therefore, able to take time off to ferry me around. My youngest son is an IT geek who does so much around the house/farm that he is never allowed to move out. (Sorry, ladies, you'll have to move in - I'm a lot of fun to live with, well, normally. 😊) We would probably have to hire two people to replace him...and he eats much less. He also works from home, which is super-duper handy. 
• Our current staff at hubby's clinic are seriously, unbelievably good. I'm not just saying that (and I'm not sure if they read this blog), but our office assistant, Brandy, has made our lives so much easier and hence, better. When your staff is mentioned by name in positive reviews, you know they're good! We are so grateful that she was available when we were hiring. We recently received funding for a part-time MS nurse, Tina, who fits into our work team like she's always been there. The fact that she's coming on board just as I'm leaving can only be divine intervention, as she's taken on part of my workload. Our newest employee isn't actually new at all but is a wonderful young man who is currently applying to med school and has been shadowing/assisting hubby for over 5 years. He will be taking on the lion's share of my workload as I go on medical leave. The fact that he's available just when we need him is also a God thing. 

However, greater than all these incredible blessings is the "...peace that passes all understanding."  In Philippians 4:6&7, the Bible tells us:

    "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I can't explain it. Oh sure, I've been called Pollyanna a time or seventeen throughout my life, and my Mennonite ability to "stuff it" while maintaining a stiff upper lip does come in handy, but peace? I really can't explain it. I'm at peace with my treatment plan, and at peace with the outcome, no matter what it may be. Am I thrilled to be fighting breast cancer? Of course not! I'm rather annoyed, actually. I had a much different plan for this next year - surgery, chemo, and radiation are going to create a serious crimp. But the thought occurred to me tonight as I contemplated the "Why me?" question; why not me? 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. At least I have hope, an anchor, and this inexplicable peace. That doesn't mean I don't cry, get mad, feel frustrated, or ever have any negative thoughts. Hardly. I'm quite human...and rather emotional by nature, and then there's that whole "can't take care of the family" thing, (cue waterworks 😭) but I can only attribute this peace to one thing - we're being carried by prayer. 

I was driving home from work yesterday, my last "official" day, while listening to a new favorite song. Some of the lyrics are as follows:

I know you're tired, I see it in your eyes

All that anxiety that rules your mind

I'll be your shield when you don't feel like

You've got strength enough to fight

I'll stand by your side

I will carry you

Through your darkest night

When you're terrified

I will carry you

When the waters rise

When your hope runs dry

I will carry you.

As I drove, I received a text from my hubby: "You've just been added to the prayer group in Hinton." Wow. I had spoken with my mom earlier in the day and she assured me that I would be added to the prayer list in my childhood church as well. So to the Hinton prayer group (Thank you, Linda!), Malmo church, and so unbelievably many other people who are praying, please know that your prayers are working. 

Another song that has recently touched my soul is about intercessory prayer and, I believe, provides the answer as to the source of this peace which truly surpasses all understanding. 

I speak the name of Jesus over you

In your hurting, in your sorrow

I will ask my God to move

I speak the name 'cause it's all that I can do

In desperation, I'll seek Heaven

And pray this for you

I pray for your healing

That circumstances would change

I pray that the fear inside would flee in Jesus' name

I pray that a breakthrough would happen today

I pray miracles over your life in Jesus' name, in Jesus' name.