"Seeking Expert Advice!" (Post #7)

 

One of my goals in writing this blog is to help others understand what a cancer patient may be going through. Except that every person's journey is different. I have yet to come across anyone with my exact type of breast cancer (Triple Positive) and that's just the beginning of the differences. So I thought I'd write up a few of the conversations I've been having with myself in Q&A format. (Yes, I talk to myself. I used to call them "parent-teacher interviews" when I was homeschooling, now I just call them "opportunities where I'm seeking expert advice." 😊) As always, the disclaimer is that these are MY thoughts, from MY brain and, as such, are best read with a side of salt. 

How are you feeling? 

Well, I mean, I've been better!  But curiously, I've also been worse. My overall sense of "wellness" varies from day to day, depending on a variety of factors, including hormones. (Sigh. Sadly, having cancer does not cancel out PMS! 😏)  However, overall I’m feeling pretty good. I’m keen to have surgery and get my treatment started, and my hematoma pain has basically resolved…which means that I’m finding it difficult to “take it easy.”  (Who gets to decide what “overdoing it” is anyway?  What if I find washing windows and cooking up 10 pounds of ground beef taco mix relaxing? 😬)

I haven’t seen you around; are you in hiding?

Sort of?  I was told to “become a hermit” by my Nurse Navigator and I’m nothing if not an obedient patient. (I even have a zippered binder stuffed with information that comes along on all my appointments - I’ve turned into “one of those” patients! 😳)  The reality is that I’m really not keen to let anything delay my surgery again. Closely related to this is the concept of not putting God to the test. Can He protect me against any illness/surgery delays? Absolutely.  Will He? Why try to find out? I know He can protect me against harm in a car accident, but I still have my vehicles serviced and wear my seatbelt.  To me, there’s little difference. 

Do you prefer to talk about your cancer, or pretend it never happened?

I’m honestly okay with either. There will be times when I’ll want to talk about it, but no worries, that’s the role of my long-suffering family. What I really don’t want is for people to think they have to verbally tiptoe around me. If you have questions about my journey, ask!  I’m open enough to tell you the answer, (or not) depending on how I feel. 😜 If you’d prefer to pretend Friday the 13th never happened, that’s fine too. I understand that talking about cancer can be triggering for some people; I’m pretty sure there is no current Earth dweller who doesn’t know someone who has battled cancer.

Will you lose your hair? 

Probably? I’m not sure what type of chemo I will need and won’t know until we meet with the oncologist, usually booked a month after surgery. I’ve already shed a small inflatable kiddie pool of tears over this; who knew I was so vain! Actually, I’m just bummed - I’m finally happy with the length of my hair, after trying to grow it out for the past 22 years, and now it might fall out! (I cut it short when Marigan was born.) However, I have the BEST hairdresser around, hands down, (Hi Karen!) and together, we will make it through this.  (I may have an eye on a waist-length curly red wig…I think I can pull this off, no? 😜) 

Do you want us to send you articles/tell you about successful treatments we’ve heard about? 

Sure. As long as you don’t get all precious if they end up ignored. 😊 I have both a physician and a physician-in-training in my household, so I’m kept well apprised of any new developments. I am also at peace with my current treatment plan, yes, surgery delay included, and while I’m open to hearing about other options, at this time I’m not looking for alternative treatments. And please, whatever you do, do NOT bring me kale.  I’ve only had yummy kale once - at my husband’s Aunt Inge’s house where she made a delicious Caesar Salad using baby kale.  I still dream about that salad…😋

You make light of your situation, what’s up with that?

Proverbs 17:22 says, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”  Joy is different than happiness. You can be happy without being joyful, and having joy doesn’t mean that you walk around with a perma-grin plastered on your face. Joy is a deeper feeling of believing that “all is/will be well,” even when it’s not. I’m a firm believer in not dwelling on things you can’t change…and I look awful when I cry. (Think blotchy face, red eyes, runny nose…🤡)  

Are you worried about getting chemo?

Nah, I can hardly wait to have poison running through my veins. (Oops, been watching too many Leon Draisaitl interviews like this one: Leon Draisaitl sarcasm) Of course, I’m not thrilled that I need chemo, but that’s the kicker…I NEED chemo.  My particular cancer type is aggressive and without chemo, I will die.  It’s really that simple. (For those individuals who are keen to dissuade patients from partaking in chemo, I have one question: And I'm genuinely curious, not trying to be cheeky: if they were to follow your advice and end up dying, would your thought be “Thank goodness they took my advice and didn’t have chemo!” or “Hmm, maybe they should have had chemo after all?”) Trust me, if there was a way to avoid it, I’d be all over it.  However, I am of the firm belief that every grandchild deserves one silly grandparent and I have plans to fulfill that role with uber-enthusiastic zeal 😁...which unfortunately means I'm getting chemo.

So where does faith fit into your treatment plan?

Oh, I have faith. Plenty of it.  I just don't believe in limiting God. I'm not going to tell Him how to heal me, I'm just praying that He makes His will clear to me. Right now, that means following my proposed treatment plan.  

But doesn't that mean that you're not trusting Him to heal you?

Not at all. If you believe that He is leading you to a specific treatment, then great! Just realize that these decisions are between the individual patient and God. I'm actually slightly confused by the school of thought that believes that "Western medicine" is anti-Christian, or that somehow God prefers alternative therapies. So then the ultimate demonstration of faith must be to never seek medical attention, but rather to simply pray, heart attack, stroke, broken leg notwithstanding, right? Yeah…no. God created science and has given us a sound mind; He expects us to use it! God can heal spontaneously -  with western medical therapies, and/or with alternative therapies. Job 36: 26 says, "Indeed, God is great—beyond our knowledge; the number of His years is unsearchable." I've come to also love the 37th chapter which is where God challenges the earthly wisdom of Job: "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding." Well, I certainly don't claim to have understanding, and the best part is…I don't need to.  I've given it all to Him. He leads - I follow. That's enough.  

You talk a lot about God, the Bible, etc. Isn’t that a crutch?

Have you ever needed crutches? Were you glad to have them? Did they make your life easier? I have…more times than I care to admit. (Protip, do not use a rolling chair to check a mouse trap in the suspended ceiling. Also, wearing too high heels for too long may result in a stress fracture…😬) When I was a child, we had an LP of Tony Fontaine in concert. I loved that album and played it a lot. (I have never claimed normalcy!) He tells the story of how he was approached one night by an attendee who asked him, “What if heaven isn’t a real place? What if Christianity isn’t real, then what?” Tony’s reply has stuck with me for many years, “Well, if I never make heaven, it will have been a pleasure trying.” And that’s the part that makes true Christianity difficult to explain. I’m not talking about the type of Christianity that essentially means that you’re not Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, or insert-religion-here, but real Christianity where you have a relationship with Jesus. He’s like your best friend and the ultimate parent wrapped up in one person. And the cool part is, He comes with a ready-made family. This family is pretty awesome!  Not perfect, but whose family is? The best part is that we get to support each other in prayer.

So this prayer thing, how does it work?

Not really sure, I’m just glad it does. It’s kinda’ like electricity. I have no idea how it works, (despite teaching my kids all about it) I’m just glad we have it!  (We may have had a power outage last night for over 5 hours…don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone is more than just a song! 😄) It’s called intercessory prayer, which is a complicated way of saying “I’ll pray for you and ask God to make things happen.” I guess it could be compared to having a really, really good lawyer. This lawyer does the heavy lifting, appealing to the judge on your behalf, and pleading your case. Intercessory prayer is very similar. So imagine numerous lawyers pleading your case to a judge…who would rule in your favor just to get rid of them all! Then again, sometimes the judge rules differently than desired/anticipated, so it’s not a guarantee. God is not a vending machine! (Prayers in = positive results out.) Incidentally, I have turned into my grandfather and can no longer pray in public. I start to cry every. single. time. My last memory of my grandfather is visiting him in hospital a couple weeks before he died, and listening to him start to cry over God’s goodness to him, the yumminess of the food, how much better he had it than so many others in the world…all this while in the hospital, dying of cancer. Whoa. He set the bar kinda’ high. 👼

I’ve heard you pray “thank you for everything,” do you still say that?

Yup. And here’s the brain-breaker - it’s true. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I would never have chosen to have cancer, but a firm belief in Romans 8:28 keeps life in perspective. (“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”) This doesn’t mean that I’m not frustrated or sad at times, that I’m thrilled with taking a year off “life,” but it does mean that I live with the assurance that at some point, it may be here or in heaven, I will look back and say, “That’s why I had cancer!” If I don’t hold onto this hope, then life truly becomes meaningless. I’m reading a book called “Don’t Waste Your Cancer,” and that is my prayer; that my experience will benefit others.